A Journal For Sanity

A little Crane

I always wondered about these cranes I make. I can make about 3k a day, if I put my heart and soul into it. I sometimes come up with a strange scenario of what these cranes represent. For example, I am God. I can create cranes or dispose of them. I can give them to other people for free or for a price. I can choose their fates, whether they get recycled, become a small figurine, or a forgotten item found in the bottomless pit of a backpack.

Well, yes, they are cranes, bit replace that with people. Weird, bit I think that when I create a bird, I just let a baby come to life in the living world. Yes, this idea is outrageous, but it bothers me too, y'know.

I mean, if I threw one away into the garbage can, I'm literally killing someone. They would suffocate in the pits of hell- I mean, plastic. They die. And, what about things lost in the void of a backpack? Lost forever in the dark, or live a depressing life with no life.

I dont understand why I think about this. Maybe because I want a sense of control and power, but isnt this unhealthy? I have so many cranes, so if you think about it, im manipulating so many people.

That brings up the question, "If cranes represent people, how much people would hate me because I would kill them? Or make their life miserable? Is what I do okay? Should I cherish to keep something like a paper crane alive and not destroy it? Who knows?"

Is one of those cranes me?

My life has always been miserable because reality is painful. Im a dreamer, and I want to find a way out. Creativity is a way for me to escape reality. To be who I cant. Maybe, I dropped a crane in my backpack and it was me. Because, around me, all I see is black. No light. No flicker. Just darkness. And thats it. And, It made me feel different. I lost the filter I once had. I used to be so nice and funny but now, im just pissed and angry. I feel lonely and cut off. Im in that bag, all alone. And I should feel ashamed.

So whats to stop me that I create and destroy peoples lives like a God?

Sure, I'm not a strong God, I wouldn't be. I probably be the weakest one there is. Just because I have the ability to change and control you life doesn't mean I would win a battle in a war. So yeah. I would get overthrown. And come to think about it, I can't hurt people. Not purposely. Sure, I do throw away birds, or they fall into my bag, or they end up in better hands, but I never intended to do the action purposely. Even so, such actions wont be forgiven, and I would most likely be killed.

Everyone just hates me.

Im not even trying.

And soon, they'll throw me over board.

And finally, I'll be gone.

But no. You, reader, you want a happy ending. Something that fairy tales have to have is that everyone lives, and I am a dreamer. There has to be another way to think of a happy solution!

No.

There isn't.

You see, fairy tales can be grim. But, you'll yell at me and say "But, try present fairy tales, not grim!" My, even if I decided to make a happy ending for myself, the others would get mad. And besides.

Isn't it the bad guy who gets killed or wiped off?

And, technically, wouldn't I be the bad guy?

I manipulate people, the cranes. The forsaken cranes. To have me think they are human people and I decide their creation and destruction. When people decide other's fate as death, the protagonist has to save that person, or themselves from such a fate and defy it. So, I would have to die, because Im the bad guy for deciding ones fate, right?

Right?

...

Dear reader, you may see me as insane.

No, I am not okay. No, I dont want help or need it for the matter. And no, I am not asking anything from you. And is you say that im sick, im used to it.

You know how many times my parents would berate me for being weird. Imaginative, creative, humble, selfless, a follower and not a leader. They dont like me, and I dont like them. I see them as the villans in my story, my history and legacy og whatever the fuck I would do.

Why, you ask? Parents are supposed to be loving ey? Caring, sweet, supportive, and be there for their kids right?

You are undoubtedly wrong, friend.

I hate parents. Even if they are good parents, I just hate them. My life has been dictated to what to wear, how to talk, who to respect, who to be friends with, what to spend my money on, what my likings and dislikings should be, and much more that I rather not get into. Or I might. I don't know.

So, are they the ones making me the crane maker, and the cranes represent my emotions rather than people?

I never thought about it until now. I make cranes because Im figity, if thats the word. What if, I put feelings into them, ans decide the fate of those feelings? Would make sense, I cant be a God.

So, where did all my feelings go?

Gone.

Nothing is left.

You know why the cranes bother me so much? Why I hate these things and myself? Because I thought that I afflicted so much hurt, and I did. Mt friends hate me and I feel responsible for a lot of things. Like people disappearing in my life, causing people to kill themselves, and possibly emotionally manipulate people to feel better about myself. Dont you understand?

I created my emotions.

My emotions were blocked.

My emotions were neglected.

My emotions occur so many times.

My emotions were given to people for their liking, or for them to like me and praise me to make me feel better about myself.

And I have no more emotions. No more feelings, or anything to care for.

Because, they all got destroyed.

And this, my friends, is when I start a new story. How did they all get destroyed. How did I end up hating myself for everything I do.

The little crane, and how big it can be to impact my life.