In love with you

i dont even know anymore

Do you ever wonder what it feels like to be loved. Not a motherly love or a siblings, but properly loved. where you can wake up every morning knowing for sure they'll be there to hold your hand. I believe being in love is hard for the other one inn the relationship too. I hear so many songs and stories of people scared their partner is drifting away but i never hear any from the other point of view. How scared they are that they constantly think about how terrifying it would be to one day wake up and realize you've fallen out of love. When the cute quirks they once did suddenly become subjects of arguments, and how their jokes become boring and old. Wanting to hit refresh to just feel something for them again but realizing there is no way of going back to when they still loved them. Or being so lonely that you would take anyone that showed interest in you, even if you don't like them back. Do I really like them, or are they just available. Sure, they fill my days with something other than the mindless droning and buzzing of daily life and give me a break from the constant repetitiveness of each day but is it them that makes my heart skip a beat when I see their name come up on my phone, or is it the idea of them. The idea of them is perfect. The ideal human being tailored just for you. Exciting, but not annoying. Funny, but can be serious at all the right times. They'll be low when I'm low and high when I'm high. Two of the final puzzle pieces that click so right together that you have to lean back and appreciate the entire picture now that it's completed. But it's not like that is it. There's chipped pieces and bent ones and a handful of them forgotten under the sofa from the last time we used them.

I bet you're the same as all of them. Everyone tries so hard to be original and different from everyone else that when you finally look around you think you're looking in a mirror because everyone's dressed exactly like you are. No that "vintage" sweater isn't unique, everyone is wearing it and you bought it at H&M. What are you doing right now. Well, obviously reading this, but before that. That's nice. I think we just need to stop caring. we could try and try to keep evolving, try this, try that, cranberry juice is trending right now, oh now it's coconut oil. It's too hard to keep up. Every single person that's read this has at least once in their life done something purely for the selfish approval of someone that was bigger than them in some way. and i suppose that's alright. Isn't that why we live life? Go through the motions of everything, put on a face every morning. It's gotten to the point where we don't even know who we are anymore. Is this the real me, or is it the one I'm showing everyone? How are you supposed to know? Does it matter who you are really? Fuck this. Fuck everything. I seem to be in an everlasting cycle of everything and no matter how hard I try to shake things in my life and try something different I fall right back into the same pattern. I think that's why so many people are into astrology these days. trying to fit into a box, desperately trying to be a part of something, anything that will make it seem like they have their life in order. I could be the happiest I've ever felt and still be depressed some how because it always amounts up to nothing. Spend the day out with friends laughing so hard it hurts and going to bed smiling but a week later crying because something else happened. What is it for? Why am I doing this? I just want something to make me feel just a little bit more alive, a little better, even if it's just for a little while. and I guess that's how drug addiction comes in. I might be spoiled or overdramatic. or people just don't understand. The older generation definitely doesn't. I want to give up.