𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯 ➪ 𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘹 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳

tell alex "i love you",

-

"Nuera, tiene que responder...!" Mamá paced around the hospital room repeatedly calling him, the boy I had so desperately fallen in love with after all these years... Since we'll... Getting diagnosed with a whole host of different problems, I've spent my time... Here. In the intensive unit care, to have a machine helping me breathe, a constant monitor on my heart and an IV dripping liquids into my blood. Every day was like a living hell, doctors and nurses proking and prodding at me trying to have me live as long as possible and trying to treat everything I had. But that just made my quality of living much worse, waking up to eat mush and stay laid down twenty-four seven. Forcibly beside a huge window, showing me the open and clear world that was so in reach, I could see children laughing and playing at the local park just barely in my sight of view. It made me smile, well as much as I could smile at this point anymore, chewing, blinking, breathing as so hard. I felt like a baby, having to be watched and taken care of every minute of every day my autonomy was gone and my dignity was too when I couldn't even get up to use the bathroom. That's how weak I had become.

[ Daughter-in-law, he has to respond...! ]

It seemed so impossible to think about when I could even stand without something holding me up, to be able to breathe on my own even, run and laugh under the summer heat all while cooling off in a pool or having fruity or even fried ice cream. Living, was so far away because I was the definition of vegetative, basically, a vegetable as my state was worse than being dead. Relying upon Mamá the majority of the time, while the most I could do for her was smile, all at the same time as my doctor every day seemed to shorten and shorten my life expectancy up till now... Where I was approximately going to die any day now. I've come to stare my fate in the face as any hour of the day could be my last, and I've come to terms with the fact things won't ever be like they used to. But one thing that I never did I swore to do now.

At the very least tell all my truths, and over the past couple of months of me like this, that's precisely what I did. Weakly wheezing out words, sometimes even mouthing it or spelling it out in sign language, I told everyone everything I had to say about them. And they did the same, knowing this was probably the last time they'd see me alive or even conscious... A surprising amount of people, mostly friends came out and told me that they had feelings for me. But knowing how I was they didn't want me to stress over it and to still stay friends for the last little bit of time I had left. And with every confession, it brought me to a conclusion, that even if they said I was the brave one dealing with death so openly... They were, because they were able to do the one thing I couldn't, express my feelings in fear of changing everything. I feared changing what I had with Alex; I feared what his answer would be, I feared hearing that he didn't feel the same. It was the one thing I could never do, and he probably found me weak for it... Afraid of saying, "I love you, but this time as more than friends." A ten-word sentence, that was my biggest fear.

Even if I was a little bitter on how distant he grew, how he never sent me any more videos of song covers like he used to, to try and keep our magic alive. But even despite this, I never let go of that lovey feeling that erupted in my chest whenever his name was even mentioned, that soft rouge that pigmented my cheeks showing my embarrassment when it came to him. And as years passed, my yearning for the past where he rested in my mind stayed just as strong as the moment I watched him leave as I made sure to tune into every stream, like every tweet and support everything he did even if he saw me through the lens of 'just another fan'. I was okay with that because having those people is really what builds one up anyways. As long as he was getting the love he deserved it soothed my vengeful heart, and every time I saw him light up more than he ever had when growing up I knew he was happy out there doing what he cherished. Because maybe I wasn't what made him truly satisfied... But that was life and I guess he ended up realizing as now he wouldn't even call.