𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯 ➪ 𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘹 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳

it's always been you,

-

It's been a day, not even, twelve hours as I sat up from my bed, numb. Not a single blink of sleep last night, as my mind replayed everything that had to do with her, every smile, every laugh, every bad joke she'd say and every note she sung. I had cried so much I was physically becoming dehydrated, my lips chapped and my heartaches close to unbearable, and I could only say close due to the fact that the pain that hadn't left since stayed strong and made everything seem so insignificant in comparison. The dull, constant sharp pain in my chest, my heart most specifically felt so real, so bitterly real. It was as if all my love for her was flipped on its head, turned to heart-aching hurt as I could almost never breathe. I felt light and on-air, not in a good way as it was less of a dream but more an absolute nightmare. Speechless, I couldn't cry anymore as I just sat up in bed and looked down at my hands, unable to process this as tears slipped out on their own anyways. Memories that were so warm ran cold, while I was so hurt I just didn't want to think about it anymore, thinking of her was so painful I wasn't sure how much more I could handle.

I noticed the constant buzzing of my phone, and by lazily stretching over to grab it from my nightstand I could immediately have the blue light burn into my retinas. But still allowing that to possibly damage my eyes and just allowing that pain to burn, I didn't react as I was just thankful it wasn't more sadness. But I was sure I couldn't feel more miserable than I already felt, it may have been self-centred to think I felt the worst out of anyone ever, but even with that counter thought I believed it. No book, autobiography or work of fiction, piece of media or word of mouth had ever described a pain as in-depth as to how mine felt. So many layers to hurt, that emptiness from having something so important torn away from you... Forever. That regret of the previous actions I wished I could have done, fantasies and scenarios of another time where everything was just okay. A sweet romance about two lovers rekindling after how many years passed, with hardships sure but to inevitably have a happy ending sounded so serine I wished that could be my story. I checked Twitter, so many DMs and mentions, relating to the horrible celebration stream that lasted a whopping ten minutes. Most people sent their regards not knowing exactly what happened but a couple of people were picking up and piecing together the pieces. One person went as far as to check Mexican obituaries, though that was quick to be unfruitful as obituaries are only really published at least three days after death apparently.

I got Discord PMs about it, from Dream, Sapnap, Karl, George... Only to name a small number of them as every social media I owned was utterly blowing up, I was even trending on Twitter... But this really meant nothing to me anymore, usually, exposure at this scale would have had me jumping over the moon, but this wasn't it. I was in this situation because of the fact I was always chasing internet notoriety and fame believing that was what I needed, but I had it now, and I still felt bitterly empty. I always thought reaching this would be so fulfilling, I naively believed I would be happy close to every day as I would be able to win Y/n over and take care of all three of the most important people to me with luxury. That's what I thought, but, never had I imagined it'd come at such a cost. Getting busy, always working to the point of no personal relationships outside of the people I talked with on stream or on video, I gave up on my daily covers I'd send to Y/n as I only realize how long it's been. Missing one day turned into the next and the next... Until it snowballed out of control as time slipped away from me, what I'd do to get it back? A hell of a lot most certainly. I would even unflinchingly give up all of my internet presence, all my opportunities and home, money and friends just to have Y/n come back even for just twenty-four hours. Because just a simple half-hour with her was like living a whole lifetime of happiness, she was magic and nothing could change my mind.

What was I supposed to do without you..?

The only thought in my mind, as I just wanted her to hug me again as she always used to and tell me the sweetest things. "I'll never leave you, Alex, you're my best friend you know I love you." Bittersweet those words were, those sweet lies that slipped out her lips and travelled in the form of warm breath. Her arms around me, our hearts connected as somehow that comfort couldn't be found anymore. That comfort was morphing into a bitter ache, unbearably consuming as it held a death grip on me. "I love you too... I've always loved you..." I cried out, wanting to have her here with me. My mind still foggy from only now waking up, I slowly began to remember my dream from last night. She was there, out of reach while she grinned at me like nothing ever changed. I couldn't hug her, I could tell her things though, but they fell on deaf ears as she was nothing more than a memory now.