𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯 ➪ 𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘹 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳

phobias and existence,

-

I sat, on the edge of Mamá's bed, it was late at night and since I died this afternoon she hadn't stopped sobbing her eyes out, hear sob breaking my heart as she held Papá close. They both cried for me as for the past almost twelve hours I had been trying to get their attention and try and tell them I was okay. I didn't know how on earth I was supposed to tell Alex anything when I couldn't interact with anything, the sharp pain in my heart never left. Mamá's cries never finishing as they made me want to start crying with her, I wasn't technically okay, I was dead that much was clear. But I still wanted to comfort her, it's the least she deserved to find a sense of peace, to have closure before I leave to see Alex since I wasn't sure if I would see her again... If I'd end up slowly ending up in that... Light. Which the more I think about it the more... Scared me. Was it the end... After that? Was that only a gateway, an entrance? Would I feel pain? Would I feel good? Would I... Feel at all?

My mind went back to the calming feeling I got when there, maybe that's what it was like to fully cross because it made no sense that I came back... Maybe I was destined to watch my family suffer and move on without me? I wasn't sure, I wasn't sure at all I just wished I could figure it out... My fate was yet to be decided as my entire future of existence was shrouded in uncertainty. In spite of it, I had to keep moving forward and the first step towards that... Was going to have to let go of Mamá. I winced, watching over her trembling and sobbing form. Curled up as Papá and the pillow she held onto were soaked in her salty tears, I never could've or would've imagined her like this. It broke my heart, I felt horrible for just being a témoin to her suffering. So I slowly hovered over her, gently grasping onto her frail body as she continued to cry her little heart out.

"Te quireo Mamá..." I whispered lowly out to her, feeling her for just a moment as I could feel something calm in her heart.

[ I love you, Mom ]

"Yo también te quireo Y/n..." She whispered back, stopping dead in her cries as I could of sworn I could feel her.

[ I love you too Y/n... ]

But just a moment passed and I phased through her again feeling rather shaken... What... Just happened? She heard me, speaking in a reply to my own phrase, had... Had she heard me? "Mamá," I spoke pretty loudly to her, not a single response as she cuddled up next to Papá. I continued trying to get her attention, flabbergasted at how I managed to make that happen... And before I knew it, she was fast asleep with a huge smile across her face and a warm feeling in her heart. I could somehow feel how she did, I somehow could reach into her heart and feel the fact that she was at peace. Although she was now peaceful, I myself was unsure of what to make of this encounter. This whole experience was blowing my mind, a little frozen I tried to cuddle her, feel her warmth like I used to do for comfort when I was small. I didn't feel much of anything as she was sound asleep, and I could hear the constant beat of her frail heart, the only source of comfort I could find. And I slowly drifted away from her, my gaze never leaving her as she seemed to shuffle more and more in her sleep the farther away I got. I kept murmuring out how much I loved her, I could possibly spend the night here, but somehow I didn't think ghosts fall asleep. At least I couldn't, maybe it was from how much is on my mind because haha how could I forget..? I just died.

I phased through the wall, still seeing my elderly adoptive mother through the slightly cloudy window, my heart yearned for her, what if I stayed forever? No, it didn't make sense to force me to watch her suffer in my absence even if I was right there. And as much as I questioned the fact she heard me, something I could feel, maybe in the wind, in the light of the moon, told me it was time to say my final goodbyes. And I painfully tore my gaze away and looked up to the crescent moon, minimal clouds with a whole sky of stars, our town lights illuminated the ground and you could clearly make out people walking around even at its hour. Some drunk, some sketchy, some homeless, the typical person you'd expect walking around outside past midnight. But from where I was, I could see the rooftops, one of which a pair of people my age sat smiling and pointing up at the clear sky. A warm smile graced my lips thinking of the old telescope that had been gathering dust over the years in the attic, the same one Alex and I drew on and watched the stars together with. I reached up to the moon, so close, I wondered if I could float up high enough to leave earth, I wondered if I could go to the moon. So beautiful, I wondered how many people were looking up at the moon at the same time as me, I wondered how many people in time did the same and how the moon in its reflective light looked back down on them.