sad songs in disguise [ONE-SHOT] / Gratsu

sad songs in disguise

tw for child abuse, implied self-harm through revisiting trauma

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Gray was listening to that song. Natsu could hear it through the wall.

It was a love song with a happy ending and a nice rhythm to it. The lyrics meant something, something good, they told a story that Gray couldn't really relate to but it had all the same affect.

Anyone else listening to it wouldn't pay as much attention. It's just another song in their playlist, another three minute decoration in the background of their drive, another song to dance in the kitchen to.

Gray's situation was different. Natsu knew that.

He could hear Gray's cries, he was sobbing to this song, and he always did. It brought up memories for him that weren't the nicest to remember. His teenage self loved this song, it became the one he cried to because his dad was so shitty and he beat him and sometimes he had to let everything out or else he just might have burst.

Whenever he listened to this song, even as an adult, he could picture all the shouting and slamming doors, bruises on his arms, feeling so worthless and dumb and fucking stupid, his mind swirling and swirling like he was intoxicated, and just crying for help. He would be curled up on his bed and he couldn't stop the tears.

It became his comfort song, comforting in the way that he could listen to it just to feel something. After Gray escaped, comforting turned to triggering, he thought he'd never have to see his dad again, and crying wouldn't be so painful because all he had left was memories. He was wrong. He thought he could listen to the song like any other person and he could feel normal for once, but all it did was make his limbs numb and his pillow wet with tears.

Somehow, the aftermath of the hellfire his father brought was a worse storm to weather than living in the moment itself.

He never listened to the song again, not by will.

It came up a few times, like when he was nineteen and driving in the dark because the air was nice and it was the only time he could be himself, and the song came up on the radio so he had to pull over and he threw up on the side of the road.

And when he was 23, Natsu had been his boyfriend for two years, they were on a date that was cut short when Gray rushed off to the restroom because that stupid song started playing in the restaurant and he had to explain everything to Natsu which, as a 23 year old, felt so fucking pathetic.

Natsu understood though. He understood, and he let Gray cry into his arms.

It happened a few weeks ago again, it played in a place Gray couldn't control. Natsu wasn't there to turn it off or to bring him back into reality. It happened at work in the office, a co-worker was humming it, Gray ended up breaking down in his office and his boss sent him home for the day.

He felt so worthless like he did all those years ago, getting so worked up over just the humming of a simple melody.

So he tried listening to it on his own, he wanted to get over this stupid trigger so he wouldn't have to hesitate every time he turned a radio on or went into a place with songs from his teenage years playing on its speakers. He did it when he was feeling like shit, it became an addiction to revisit his trauma and rot his brain, making him feel numb until he didn't know himself anymore.

Gray was getting worse, it was visible, he looked like he was dying and it hurt to watch. He was regressing back to the old Gray who was covered in bruises and never took care of himself. He barely slept. He cried way too much. He skipped most meals so whenever he did eat he just felt sick. Natsu was so worried but Gray never listened.