𝘴𝘦𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯 ➪ 𝘲𝘶𝘢𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘵𝘺 𝘹 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥𝘦𝘳

I don't wanna be okay without you,

-

Cold sweat and frigid tingles were sent down my spine like a jolt of electricity, I hadn't slept in days as I sat up in my bed unable to do anything but groan at my aching tiredness. Eyes, I felt them on me as if I was streaming, but unaware of where exactly they were coming from. I ignored it, well tried to, that on top of the remainder of my own mortality and that realization that I was... Alone. I had people call and check up on me, but I was alone. Completely and utterly alone, while my brain continuously pulled up memories and images of her. Her sweet smile, her most iconic looks that made me winded on every viewing, the way she spoke so fluently and how she laughed at every joke. The way she'd smile and say she hated me when I teased her, or when I'd say it to her when she'd retaliate with her own jokes. I miss our Saturday mornings, where we were completely tired from staying up super late the night before. How we'd always manage to accidentally pour too much cereal into the bowl every time, our favourite being Choco Zacaritas Con Malvaviscos with all the colours and chocolate flavour it was hard not to enjoy. And when Mamá would scold us for it and tell us not to put it back into the box because she said so, we'd end up sharing a bowl out of pure laziness to get another.

It had become our ritual, share a bowl and watch Spongebob SquarePants every Saturday as a celebration to getting through the week. She was the reason I got out of bed, every day seeing her and knowing we'd be spending the day together whether that be video games or studying for a test everything was exciting. Every moment was memorable and when it struck me how we ended up, the apparent best friends who would never part, it pained me more than I could express. Nothing was as bad as this, and mixed in with my heartache was fear, the fear of if the pain would ever cease. Aksel's words made me rethink everything and how dumb I was to never realize, never grow a pair to ask her out. I was the biggest chum, biggest loser as now I opened my phone trying to find some comfort. Trying to distract myself from life as even on immediate opening it said something... The date. It was a Friday. The same day we would've stayed up all night in a grand hurrah that there was no school the following morning, would play Toontown till we would fall asleep midgame and snooze until Mamá would forcefully wake us up the next morning. It pained me thinking that things change, time was like sand, always managing to slip between your fingers and by the time you bring it close enough to your eye to observe or notice it in detail. It would've passed by, between your fingers and you'd have next to nothing left.

I wondered what I'd be doing today, mope around maybe? There really wasn't anything else I wanted to do other than cry my eyes out, rethink everything, relive everything even if it was only in my mind. I suddenly felt a horrible pain in my stomach, I felt like vomiting, I wasn't sure if it was from the overwhelming sadness or the fact I hadn't eaten anything in a while. But when I decided to fight past it, I got up out of bed but the feeling grew worse as I ran to my bathroom, emptying my stomach or what little was in it. My head hung over the toilet bowl, dry hurling over it as it didn't make me feel any better. The gross burning of vomit in my throat as I could taste how nasty it was in my tongue. And in my own bathroom, I began to cry, the stench of stomach acid burning my nose and eyes but it all brought me back. Y/n snuck out and I got drunk one night, Mamá was furious with us the following morning when she realized by the horrible hangovers we had. But even if Y/n hurt just as bad as me, feeling just as nauseated and sick she still held my bangs and beanie out of my face, rubbing circles into my back while over the toilet.

But now I was alone, alone, alone, alone... My mind repeated as salty tears dropped into the toilet and down my plump cheeks, I could taste it mixing in with what I threw up, making me so pitiful as I sobbed aggressively. Then my nose began to ran as I became the biggest mess you could imagine, I felt horrible, I probably looked horrible as I felt like everything in my life was unravelling and coming undone. I cried out with all my heart, not even caring anymore if I would get a noise complaint, I've gotten my fair share of those and my landlord was a pretty understanding person. I was sure he would get it but even if he would end up evicting me I wouldn't care, nothing mattered anymore as I felt like my whole world was ending. When her beautiful voice would have reassured me everything would be okay, held me close and done anything to make me feel better, only now the mimicking echoes of my pained voice came back at me. Where she would remain a heartbreaking taunt, reminding me how no one was there and they wouldn't be. I couldn't feel anything else come up anymore as I hung my head low with both hands holding either side of the ceramic seat.