Short Stories

The Darkness is Suffocating

Alone in her room, she listens to a song. One that is making her cry. The only thing in the room that can be her is the song playing and her muffled sobs.

She doesn't know how to reach out and ask for help. She silently suffocates because of her demons choking her. She can't scream, or even breathe properly.

There are no physical scars on her body, but, if her mental scars were made physical? There wouldn't be a piece of her skin that doesn't have a scar or deep, still bleeding wound.

Her piercing, agony filled scream doesn't escape her open mouth as the tears continue pouring down her face. She doesn't know how to speak, the demons have her voice.

The demons always get her voice when she's drowning, so she can't be rescued. After a bit, her tears stop, and she looks at a wall numbly. She can't even think of anything.

All she hears is the voices... the voices screaming at her that they hate her, that she shouldn't have been born, that she should kill herself. Voices that tell her she's nothing more than a slut, whore, bitch, idiot. Voices that tell her she will only ever be the pity friend.

Her own mind isn't kind to her. And makes her think that everyone that is, absolutely hates her. So, she gives them a reason to. They call her toxic, a bully, and she believes it... because she's only ever been called toxic and a bully. That she's controlling. So, she acts the way they say she is. She doesn't know what else to do.

It's either she is what they say she is, because to her she won't be anything more than what they say she is, or she bends to their will and becomes whatever they want her to be. She loses her own sense of identity just to make them happy.

She's lost. Drowning in an ocean of darkness. There is no light. There is no way out. She doesn't know how long she can hold her breath and keep fighting to, at least, get her head above water. She feels like she has no one there to help pull her out of it. And, she doesn't have anyone...

She pushes people away out of pure fear of being hurt again, and she becomes her own hero and villian. She has this raging war going on inside of her that no one sees. Her hero side is losing as the villian side has people outside of her internal self backing her.

She's fallen down to get up so many times. She doesn't know if she'll be able to get back up again because EVERYONE around her seems to be pushing her down. She can only take so much before she collapses. Her heart is breaking and she doesn't know what to do.

Why do I fight to stay for people who seem to not want me around? Is what runs through her head every time she gets back up. Stay down, then! You know full well that no one wants you around! Just die already!! Her demons scream at her. Only she can hear them. They put a muzzle on her every time she goes to open her mouth to scream for help.

She's silenced. By herself. Just as she was silenced by her mother, her brother, her grandmother, her aunt, her cousins, her uncle... silenced... by everyone that was supposed to help her learn it's ok to speak out about how you feel.

Of course she's "toxic". She only knows toxic as that's what she grew up with in the key stages of her development. She grew up being controlled like a puppet, and beaten when she was speaking out against what they were doing to her.

She's toxic because she subconsciously knows nothing but the toxicity she grew up with. She was a slave, an outcast, in her own "home." A place she was meant to feel safe in.

She only ever had 1 friend growing up that supported and protected her. Put yourself in her shoes, those you love dying every year has you grow older, leaving only the toxic many behind.

Tiger, Bubba, Great Grandma, Grandpa, Penny.... and she's repeatedly told she is not allowed to mourn, or grieve. She's hit for crying in front of the family. Every turn, every curve, every. Single. Decision. She had no control over. She had no control over ANYTHING in her life up to 10 years old. From there, her Dad helped her.

However, she was still terrified. The latest in a long line of losses was her grandpa. She has no idea how to cope with his loss. She used to starve herself. Isolation. Her Dad doesn't let her because he doesn't want to see her hurting, and wants her to grieve like a "normal person", but she doesn't know how to.

She doesn't bother anyone because she knows her problems will only bring people down. So, she stays silent. She laughs when she should, cries when she should, but it's just... motions for her... internally, she's the robot that her mother forged her into. She doesn't understand why she's drowning. She doesn't understand why she can't breathe. She doesn't understand any of the emotions she feels. And... it seems like no one notices that she is suffering.

The darkness... is suffocating.... and no one cares. So, she suffocates, slowly dying inside, while helping others who don't help her. Given, she doesn't know how to deal with those that do help her, which are very few.

A few people genuinely care enough to help. Her dad, her best friend, and a few online friends... she has 10 people, max, that help her. Aside from that, everyone leaves her to suffer alone in the darkness.

So, I'll say again... the darkness is suffocating, but it's the only place she knows.
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A/N:

Hey, guys. Welcome to my new book! I have another one out that is basically a journal of my most painful moments I've experienced. This book will be short stories of my own inner emotions that I'm trying to understand. I hope you all will be careful when reading this as it can, and will, get very dark later on. The stories are not really connected, but they all are about how I feel but can't express in first person. So, I write these to help explain a bit about how I feel, mostly so my friends(those who care enough) understand what's going on in my head.

Short story word count: 990 words

Total word count(including the Author's Note[A/N]): 1118 words