kinda almost happy

prologue

Late at night is the only alone time I ever get, and the only time that I'm not constantly bombarded by my siblings and my mom, other than school. But then I always have to deal with stupid high schoolers all day. It's no wonder I stay awake until three am all the time watching YouTube videos and scrolling through social media. And I'm aware that it's bad for my health, but I couldn't care less.

My mom doesn't trust me, and my dad is never around. Text book family home, if I ever heard of one. Not to mention, it seems like my mom just can't stop having kids? It's like she's trying to make up for the failure that she thinks I am. It's not like she tries to raise them any different either. And my dad? Let's just say he went to get milk one day and never came back.

It's not like school is that much better. I mean yeah it's more time away from my family, which I always crave, but I'm around other stupid people all day. Some of my teachers are nice though. I like my English teacher Mrs. McGregor. But other than that, surprise! School is angering. It sucks to be a teenager.

I have friends, I guess you could call them that. Not many that I could call close though, they're mostly just people I happen to be around during classes that I can get along with. They don't ask about my personal life, and if they did I wouldn't have anything to say. My life sucks, and all I have going for me is my grades, which are slipping the closer I get to graduation.

They just aren't there for me like I wish they would be. They can't be. Even though I'd probably die for most of them.

Furthermore, I'm like the backup friend to the other backup, backup friends. I never get invited out anywhere, and I'm too scared to initiate the conversation for fear of being turned down. I've learned from my past mistakes so that I'm not doomed to repeat them. The last time I was even invited to a birthday party was in like, sixth grade. I'm a junior now.

My life is kinda boring. I have no semblance of a home life, school consists of mostly just trying to pass my classes. I don't even dress interestingly, I wear mostly black to detract attention from myself. I don't stand out, in a good or a bad way. Even if by accident, I kinda like flying  under the radar. Mundane in every way. It keeps me out of the sights of my former bullies, and they don't mess with me much anymore.

Some days I wish I could be different. I wish I could be good at something other than keeping my head low and my ass out of trouble. That maybe I didn't instinctively push away my aspirations until they no longer exist. What will I even do with my life?

Maybe I would play an instrument, but which one would I even play? This kid in my math class Andrew plays sousaphone, among other brass instruments, but that huge, metalic body weighs too much for me to carry, and aren't they expensive? I used to practice guitar, I guess, but I was never very good at it. Plus, everyone and their grandma plays guitar. 

I wish something would happen to me. Anything, anything at all.