"We think the drug dealers have been using these out-of-service mailboxes as drops for giggle pig and money" Jake explained to Rosa back at the precinct.
"Good job. I'm glad Danger was useful" said Rosa.
"Actually, it's 'Dong-er'" you said.
"Although it should be 'Dong-est'" added Jake. "Can't imagine anyone being more dong than this guy."
"Sounds like he's a good resource. He showed you where the mailboxes were, right?" asked Rosa.
"Yeah, but he also told us how he brought down a snail-smuggling ring. For an hour" Charles said.
"Yeah, he showed us all these pictures of the snails, and he called them 'the littlest victims'" said Jake.
"Well, hopefully Danger will be less annoying from now on" Rosa said.
"Yeah, hopefully. Wait, 'from now on'?" you asked.
"Yeah" said Rosa.
"No. No, no, no, no. Please tell me I don't have to keep working with that -" Jake said.
"Detective Peralta" Danger said, walking into the bullpen. "Love your precinct. Very primitive. At USPIS, everyone gets their own office. But, that's because we're this proud nation's first defense in the war on terror. Every envelope is a potential target for Al-Qaeda."
"Oh. Detective Rosa Diaz, meet my new partner. Jack Danger" said Jake.
"Please, I go by Jackie. Jackie Danger" said Danger as he shook Rosa's hand.
"Of course you do" you said.
---------------
Danger sang along to the marching band music that played in his car as you, Jake, Charles and Danger drove to the mailboxes.
"Take it away, Peralta" said Danger.
"Will do" said Jake, and took the music out of the car and threw it in the back seat. "Thank God, we're here. Look, there's a box up there."
"Oh, yeah, that is some sweet green curves right there" said Danger as he stopped the car.
"We should talk to the falafel guy, see if he's seen anything suspicious" said Jake.
"Uh, you should probably let me take the lead on this. A lot of people don't like cops, but everybody loves postal workers" Danger said.
"They do?" you asked.
"That's why the phrase most associated with bringing goodness into people's lives is 'going postal'" Danger said.
"You're kidding, right? You know 'going postal' means -" said Charles.
"I know what it means" interrupted Danger. "I just said what it means. That's what it means."
"Okay. Well, howzabout we avoid human contact altogether and check out the box?" suggested Jake.
You all got out of the car. Jake nudged Charles and pointed at the falafel guy. Charles nodded and went to talk to the falafel guy, followed by you.
A few minutes later, Danger yelled "Stop!" at a man wearing a black hat, but was stopped from running after him by his key chain that was attached to the door of the mailbox. "Ow, ow, ow, help me up!"
He grabbed onto Jake's leg and said "Peralta, help! Help me up! Don't ditch me!"
The dealer got away and Jake groaned. "He's gone."
You walked over to Jake and Danger. "You okay?"
"No, I'm rattled" said Danger.
---------------
Back at the precinct, Rosa said "I'm sorry, let me get this straight. You had a giggle pig supplier twenty yards away from you, and he got away? What happened?"
"Your man here failed to follow proper law-enforcement procedure is what happened" answered Danger.
"What?" asked Jake.
"Always check for ground-level obstructions before initiating a foot pursuit" Danger said.
"The ground level obstruction was your hand clutching my leg" said Jake. "I have claw marks all over my calf. I'm sorry, Rosa, can I talk to you in private for a second?"
"Yeah" said Rosa.
"We'll be right back. Boyle, y/n, why don't you show Danger what a fax machine is?"
"Okay" you said.
"Imagine a letter had unprotected sex with a phone" Charles said.
---------------
"So what are a bunch of drug dealers doing with old postal keys?" Jake asked Danger. "Maybe you guys forgot to collect them all."
"Mm, barking up the wrong tree, McGruff. Postal service doesn't make mistakes" said Danger.
"You lose millions of letters every year" you said.
"Really? Then explain to me why none of these missing letters have ever been found" Danger said.
"Okay, if it wasn't a mistake, maybe it was an inside job" Charles suggested. "Who collected the keys?"
Danger typed something into his computer. "There are five people responsible for key collection in the city."
"Boom! That's our list of suspects. We shall call them 'The Fellowship of the Key'" said Jake.
"I honestly think you are the greatest man who ever lived" Charles said.
"That's a no-go. Tracking these people down is a waste of time. I say we keep surveilling the mailboxes" said Danger.
"Look, I have worked a ton of these drugs cases, all right? Once they know we're onto them, they burn the whole system. Trust me, they're done with the mailboxes" you said.
"Trust me. I'm a federal agent" Danger said.
"You're not FBI. You're not ATF. You work for the post office. Your motto is 'Surprisingly, we exist'" said Jake.
"Incorrect. Our motto is 'Nos cistodimus quod lingus.' 'We guard what you lick'" said Danger.
"That's worse!" Jake said.
"No, forgot it. I'm not giving you the list of names" Danger said. "We're gonna keep surveilling those mailboxes, and if nothing turns up after a couple of days, then we'll go on your wild goose chase."
Someone opened the door and said "Hey, if you're hungry, Maury went postal and brought in muffins for everyone."
"Sweet. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go grab a muff with some bluebs, and when I get back, we will discuss strategy for the stakeouts" said Danger, and left the room.
"All right, guard the door" Jake said to Charles after making sure that Danger was out of sight. "I'm gonna print out this list of suspects, and then we are ditching Danger."
"It's kind of risky, Jake. If this ends up being a dead end, Rosa's gonna be mad" said Charles nervously.
"You know, Robo-Partner would not question this for a moment" Jake said.
"Fine, I'll be lookout" Charles said.
Jake stood up to get the names from the printer.
"Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake!" said Charles.
"What? Is he coming?" you asked.
"No, but there's more than muffins" Charles sniffed. "There's banana bread too!"
"What? This printer is so slow! Come on. Ugh, this place is the worst!" said Jake.
YOU ARE READING
Brooklyn 99: Jake Peralta x Reader
Fanfiction"Was it? 'Cause I know for a fact you also told her when you got back, and everytime you would, y/n would get 'confused' and then our relationship would get 'out-of-sync,' and if you ask me, I think it's because y/n liked you back" Elliot said. Jake...
