It's Fucking Depressing

It's Fucking Depressing (TW for depression)

The feeling of the toxic high spread down his chest, the heat reaching his lungs before being pushed back into the freezing cold night's air. The visible smoke floating free into the night sky, not even as much as a breeze to pick it up. The small cloud may not be seen anymore by the naked human eye, but it was finally free.

Each step that he took was another step into the grave. Subconsciously, the male brought out his phone every few seconds to check his messages. The bright screen lit up in the dark, flashing off of the metal fences on either side of the person. Tears pricked his eyes as he read the screen, praying that a text had been sent.

'Pls text me back, I miss u' Connie - 11:34pm
'Ily man answer my calls' Jean - 11:33pm
'Are you ok?? U no we love you, rite?' Sasha - 11:31pm
'Don't do it Floch, please' Eren - 11:30pm

The redhead blinked away his tears, bringing the lit cigarette back up to his lips. The screen was blank, there was not a single text from anyone. He inhaled sharply, ignoring the sudden burning sensation at the back of his throat. He held his breath for a second, praying that the nicotine alone would kill him. It didn't.

He thought about the others. His schoolmates. He liked to think of them as mates although, a lot of the time it didn't feel like that. He never really connected with anyone, he never felt like he had bonds with anyone. He didn't have those real, pure, raw, deep moments with anyone, where he'd look into their eyes and feel the will to be alive. To feel like they wanted him here, as if he was floating off and that stare and that smile was the long arms pulling him back to the ground. Floch wanted to feel like that, instead he just kept floating.

Floch didn't know if he believed in love, but he guessed that's what it was called when that feeling occurred. The feeling of belonging, that deep affection where he just felt wanted and cared for and valued. The idea that someone valued Floch was unbelievable to him now, he truly believed that if he died then people wouldn't care. They might pretend to care, cry for the sake of crying and make a drama out of it. But they wouldn't really care, not a piece of them would be missing.

Thinking why he was never significant, Floch took another sharp draw of the toxic stick in his hand. It was almost done, but he didn't care as the filter got hotter in between his index and middle finger. Whatever he did, he would never matter. He'd never have a purpose, not in some shitty high school in a shitty village in a shitty part of Britain. He could be good, he did try be kind but it didn't work. He assumed he just wasn't a likeable person, so he turned sour. He was an asshole, to anyone and everyone he came across.

Did that work either? Of course not. He wasn't even majorly disliked by the group of people he called his friends, he was just an annoying bug that they couldn't get rid of. Not even a parasite, he couldn't hurt them. Just an annoying cockroach who scampered around, going from place to place. Never staying, never being at home.

No matter what he did for Eren Jaeger, he didn't think the other teen even liked him. He'd do whatever Eren said, he was so intelligent and smart and just knew what to do in every situation. Even if it wasn't the easy thing to do, Floch believed it'd be the right thing. Like when they snuck into the high school of Eren's rival football team, and spray painted everywhere. People got angry, yes, but the redhead wholeheartedly supported it. They started the rivalry, he just wanted to end it. No one else stood up for the school, except Eren.

Then there was Hitch. They were in the same classes, but she was much smarter than he was. It angered Floch, even though he didn't care about his studies. He just believed she was smug about it, and often tried to knock her down a couple pegs. He was only named an asshole though, then was tossed to the side like a forgotten toy when a child is brought an iPad.