I'm Learning to Grow

THE SPIRAL: 23.03.21

I have been wanting to write since a long time now... I know when I start overthinking I need to write it down, let go of it, but have I been feeling lazy, scared, unimportant or what is that lingering feeling?

Some days when I wake up, it feels like heaven. I'm happy, I'm safe, content with my family, I play with the baby, I watch videos, I play, I cook, it's a good life. I am happy but...

Then one day, out of nowhere, they come back. When I'm doing the most random things like folding clothes, exercising or simply sitting with my mobile.

When I thought I was getting steps closer to letting go of the past, of the mistakes, the memories started to race back, sending me into a spiral of guilt, desolation and self-pity.

It is not that I haven't grown, I have, a lot. I know I am not the same person that I was. I have asked for forgiveness from a lot of them, they have forgiven me, but have I forgiven myself?

It's not that difficult I think so many times. I am not to be blamed for who I was 10 years ago or 6 years ago. But I have changed nonetheless, I have grown. I know when I'll look back I will never repeat the same things again.

But somewhere, there's that thought that keeps dangling at the back of my head. Do those people still define you by your mistakes, do you need their reassurance to forgive yourself, do you think they still grin by thinking about your foolishness?

It's sad. The mistakes I made. I was unaware, unconscious, I didn't even know they were mistakes. I was young, reckless, stupid, but I am not now. How am I letting my past define myself again?

It's tormenting. I don't know what to do, how to feel. I know I should let go, I am trying to, I've been trying so hard. But how can you when the past stirs up the mistakes that want to make you 'do something bad to yourself'?

Haha. Okay, the mistakes obviously weren't epic or barbaric. They were simple transgressions, but the ones that have scarred me. When I look back now, I see how most of them have reflected instances from my childhood, the things I've been through, but did I have a control over them or there wasn't anything that I could do?

The mistakes make me feel terrible about myself. It sometimes feels as simple as pushing on a 'pull' door in front of many people or falling on a stage or clumsily tripping in front of thousands others. When I'm thinking about these now, does one actually have control over any of these situations?

But somewhere that feeling remains buried in your heart. And one day, 'knock knock', they're right outside your door. Catching you off guard as you drown in a whirlpool of emotions, mixed feelings and guilt.

It's just these mixed feelings I'm experiencing right now. Should I let it go and term them as mere teenage digressions, knowing that I would never have repeated these mistakes, these idiocies if I knew they'd cost me so much in the present.

Still plunging in the Spiral.