"He's more myself than I am. Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same."
- Emily Bronte, Wuthering Heights
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When I say that I never actually purposefully laid my eyes on you, that would be a lie. Yes I did notice you, in fact right from the beginning itself. But you...you were different from the rest of the guys in class. Well you were attractive I'll give you that, but that was only a bonus. But I check out attractive people all the time. So why were you so different? Anyways that was totally unnecessary information. Let me just get to the point about how I first noticed you. It was the second week of class in my new school. I had come there at the start of the 11th grade. The bell for our break rang and my new friends dragged me out of the class. We got along pretty well. I thought I would never fit in with my new peers because, let's be honest, I never really fit in anywhere with my kind of character. I never really knew the reason why. Maybe it was because I never actually cared about what other people thought of me. However that year I was pleasantly surprised. That year, I found my own bunch of misfits. Anyways let's get back to the story, we got a little sidetracked there.
So I was hanging out with the girls. Occasionally checking out the people who passed by, while they told me about the different places around the school and also some gossip on the people who walked past us. Then the bell rang. My friends being the people that they were, dragged me inside, freaking out for being late. Like I'd care. As soon as we stepped into class this girl named Nora called us over for something. A quick little piece of information, I have a reputation for being an airhead, but they don't give me enough credit for my attention span. It's because I have a tendency to miss things, even if they are happening right in front of me. It's not that I don't notice things. It's just that it slips off my mind, both the important and unimportant ones, thus the reputation.
But that day was one of those days when I noticed and it didn't slip off my mind. I saw you there, sitting all alone. And you didn't give a damn about anything that was happening around you. Usually nobody likes being alone even if they have a choice. You were sitting there in the second last bench alone, and I think that, that day you chose to be alone, cause every now and then, one of your friends would come by, try to get you to sit with them. Don't give me that look. I have a very good memory. Your eyes were fixated somewhere, I don't know where exactly, cause I couldn't look close enough. It definitely wasn't at me or anyone for that matter. But in that moment, somehow, I knew you were different. So I wanted to get to know you. But me being me walked over to Nora, like the biggest crush in my life didn't just happen.
So you're asking me if we made eye contact. No, we didn't. You were so engrossed in your thoughts, almost drowning in them, I would say. So Nora being the warm and friendly girl she was, offered me cookies. So I took one, the next thing I know she was shouting your name. To be honest, I was a little taken aback by that. It had been less than two weeks since school started and she already knew half of the school's population. And that was an understatement. So that's how I heard your name for the first time, it suited you too. You came to my side, took a cookie, gave that small smile of yours and walked back to who knows where.
If you ask me how I felt at that moment, I was jealous. It was not the first time that I felt the emotion. I am really not a jealous person. Most of the time, I don't give a damn about anything to care. But somehow in my sixteen years of life, never have I ever felt such strong jealousy wash over me. That too over a guy who I didn't even know. A guy who didn't even know that I existed in the same goddamn universe as him. Yes I am talking about you, you idiot. I was jealous as hell. For what? That's a stupid question. Nora was a really attractive girl with an amazing ability to talk with everyone. She was a literal queen. To put it perfectly I felt threatened. In the heat of that moment, I felt so overwhelmed with emotions that I was freaking out. It was a good thing that I was able to hide all of my emotions from my face. I walked off thanking her, like nothing ever happened . I joined the rest of my friends in their conversation chatting about the usual shit.
Describing you is like describing my emotions. I can't think of anything else. But I think I haven't given full justice to that too, to describing you that is. For every person, the process of falling in love is different. In my point of view, falling in love is a very gradual process. What I wrote here was about the first time I laid my eyes on you and how I felt about it. For me...that first time was love.
After that first day, I slowly started noticing things about you. We got to know each other better and we actually got along pretty well. However my emotions for you became stronger. And I was angry. Really angry. I was angry because some guy I knew from school had so much control over my emotions without him even knowing it. Even with his knowledge it would've still angered me. So both ways it's anger.
That's why little by little, I started hating you, slowly and gradually. I couldn't talk properly with the rest of the guys because your presence affected me so much. So I had to avoid them most of the time by spending more time with my girlfriends. I never really stopped liking you but all the trouble that I had to undergo because of you made me detest you. Hate is never the opposite of love. It is always abreast it. Love turned bitter is hate. I hated you with a passion for the things you did to me unknowingly. Most of all, I hated you because you were so blissfully unaware of the turmoil you caused within me. As I said earlier, the only way I could describe you was by describing my emotions. That is the best way that also happens to be my favorite. So that's how I chose to describe you. The person I fell in love with and hated was myself. Through this, chaotic mass of words, I describe myself more than you. So only if I learn to fall in love with myself will I learn to love somebody else. I would treat the people the way I want to treat me. We will never be in and out of love. For then there will be enough love for everyone.
