The Problems with Hope and Insanity

When he came home...

She wasn’t there. She was just…gone.

        “Please baby, please! Wake up!” He picked up her light, cold and hollow hand. Devoid of any life, it sat there prettily and perfectly preserved with rigor mortis in his palm. “Just wake up for me baby, please. Open your eyes for the man who says he loves you.”

        He gave her hand a little squeeze. She just laid there, her last breath floating gently out to sea. He was jealous of that seas spray that would meet it. The air she breathed would only improve anything that came into contact with it. Just then the wind, like her last breath, came and went through the opened patio doors. The white gossamer curtains she had picked out ebbed and flowed beautifully like a perfect scene out of some vacation booklet. “I’ll do anything…” Her head still lay in its final resting place, tilted to the right in that way she had when she was dreaming. What did she see now? Was she here? Was she upset? He hadn’t been home.

He was just...gone. He wasn’t there when she breathed her last…

        The end of that thought came out as a sob. His heart finally, audibly, breaking. “Baby…” He moaned, clutching her hand, finally falling to his knees, his head resting on the pillow beside hers. His eyes became blurry with tears; he just let them flow. He didn’t know how long he’d been sitting there like that. Maybe an hour, maybe a day? He couldn’t summon the energy to look out the window behind him to find out. The sun’s rays were lower in the room which meant it was probably around five pm. If his calculation was correct he’d been there for about six hours. His gaze drifted to his pants. The brown pants to his favorite suit; his ‘I’m going to solve this case’ suit. And he always did. But not today, for this truly was a mystery. There was no sign of foul play, no forced entry and he would know. After all he was a detective. The suit angered him. “You’re the reason. You’re the reason I wasn’t here!” He yelled at the pants. They looked back at him impassively. He moved to stand, an angry scene playing itself out in his head; him tearing the pants off in an angry rage; breaking all the mirrors in the room so he didn’t have to see her dead eyes reflecting back at him.

        It didn’t go like that at all. Instead he fell perilously to his knees, her hand anchoring him to the spot. He refused to let go. Another scene played itself out in front of his eyes…after all it was only yesterday:

        “I was thinking, maybe we could take a walk on the beach later. You know, tour the place, sex on the beach if you would.” She blinked her big hazel eyes at him coquettishly. Her eyelashes framing those beautiful, luminous eyes seemed to darken at her suggestion. He felt a fire begin burning low in his belly. The sixteen year old boy in him reawakened. He felt his body angling itself towards her automatically. Just as the smile was forming across her full lips his beeper began to go off…BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! Her annoyance was clear; she knew what that beeping meant.

         “Not now sweetie. Please, we have so much to talk about.” She pleaded. “I know, I know and I’m so sorry. You know I can’t ignore these. I have lives to save.” He tried to give her a playful smile. A hurt look crossed her face but only for a split second before her features were perfectly placid again; the understanding wife. He could sense her pain. He could sense how she was feeling but he had a job to do. How else were they to afford such a nice beach house? He steeled himself for the wave of guilt that would surely wash over him once he stood to go. He touched her hand gently and brushed his lips against her cheek. “I’ll make it up to you.” She smiled ruefully. “You always say that.” He sympathized. This couldn’t be easy for her. Ever since she found out she could have babies after that malpractice said she couldn’t they hadn’t gotten the chance to try. There was always some poor Jane Doe needing a hero to put a name to the face. “I am sorry. I’ll be back before you can blink an eye. I love you, baby.” He said, willing her to forgive him for his job’s transgressions. “I love you too.”