hiding the truth

1.

Hey. I'm weird. At least that's what my "friends say".

I'm a nerd, a busy person and I love to be alone. Maybe I'm conservative and I trust people way too much.

I am a Gemini, so either I am very distanced or I'm soo clingy. I've been through some hard shit in the past so maybe that's why I am the way I am.

I'm ashamed of what I really am and insecure about myself. But at the same time a have such a strong temperament and I can not agree  with somebody, if I think that it's wrong.

My family is weird too, it's hard for me to understand them, and for them to understand me. They are very abusive, mentally and physically. My parents are soo strict, and like, I couldn't have friends when I was little. And yeah, I'm not allowed to go out with anyone, not even my friends.

Oh, talking about friends, I don't really think I ever had one.

I was bullied constantly, I'm crying a lot, and I'm holding a lot of emotions during the day.

I feel the best when I'm by myself.

So here's the thing:
I don't give two shits if you care, as Long as I don't know you. If you are a part of my life, even the smallest one, you have the risk to make me cry just with one little joke.

And that is the reason  why I hate myself so much.

I don't love pity, if I'm going through some tough period of time, your job is to encourage me and speak softly to me. Any words like: "oh really? I can't help you" Or "idk what I can do, I'm not good at helping" May put me in a worse state so you better stay calm and say something nice.

If somebody hurts me once, I'll be like "ok I'll forgive you" and it will be the exact same everytime somebody makes me cry, and I hate that too about me. It's not ok. I hurt myself more.

I'm very forgiving tough.

I have a passion with music. The most part of my current days are spent in front of the piano, singing and writing songs. And by the way, yes, I do write songs, that's calming me. And the best songwriter I ever heard of and I admire the most is Olivia Rodrigo. Y'all don't judge me, I'm sorry, I just love her!! I mean, her way of expressing feelings through lyrics is just making me cryyyyyy 😭😭😭

So there are two sides of my personality:

1. I am very outgoing at the beginning, I am nice to every person, I help everyone with everything, I can't be mean to anyone. I feel like I owe something to everybody and if I say no, I will only push people away and I'll make them hate me and I will cry and will be sad for the rest of my life.

2. I am very emotional. I hide my pain. I overreact and I overthink every little thing that happens in my life. I care about everything, and I have anxiety. I change myself because I don't want people to think that I am a freak. And lastly, I am truly happy when I'm alone because then, I can be myself without fearing.

So I will consider this as a diary and I will tell you some of the things that I suffered in the last years

.•♫•♬•Thank you•♬•♫•.