Empty [English Translation]✓

Empty| LT english OS

I looked down.
Into the deep.
Into the depth that I will plunge myself into.

I don't know what’s in store for me, which in a way is frustrating to the core
I don't know anything, in general; nothing about the future, nothing about the present, and nothing about the past.
What I do know, is that I wore a mask for 3 whole years.
Three whole years where I had to smile when I wanted to cry so badly every damn day!

Everyone thought my life was perfect, but it wasn't. In fact, it was far from perfect.
A life full of fake friends, stress and no time for family.

Mom! She left without a proper goodbye.
I should have spent so much more time with her, but I didn't. And I regret it every second of the day.
Instead, I sat in the studio and wrote, recorded and listened to songs for hours.
I stood in front of the camera and had the most fakest smile plastered on my face, although I didn't feel like smiling at all.

Outwardly I was good, healthy, perfect, inside I was just a broken wreck!

I've been seeing the outside world through a pane of frosted glass, blurred and dull.
I felt empty.
And I'm exhausted, exhausted from everything.
I just wanted redemption.

I know my family and friends will miss me, but I just can't anymore. I am too weak.

Mom told me to be strong, but for what?

I didn't want to and couldn't anymore.
Everything broke me, my mom, my career and 1D.

How many times had I dialled the number of one of the guys but wasn't brave enough to call them.

How many times have I been so close to sending a message.

How often have I just wanted to leave the public eyes.

How many times have I been too cowardly to see that it's all over.

I've hurt myself, often, too often. I couldn't cope with the emotional pain. But the hurting helped me. I found satisfaction. But at some point I realised it wasn't enough. At some point everything got too out of hand.

Lottie, Fizzy, Phoebe, Daisy, Ernest, Doris.
I will miss them.
But I would see them again, in heaven.

I looked down again, how often have I imagined this moment. Too many times to count.
That one last moment when I know that I will soon be able to hug my mother again.
Up there where everything is fine.

I think back often just to know it's over
Everything.
And soon my life too.

Why?
Why did the person who have the biggest place in my heart had to go and who, with his death, had also torn out the biggest part in me.

In the distance I saw a highway.
Cars drove by and then disappeared again.
Moments were just like that, they come and go. Some moments you will remember and some you won't.

Some of those moments you'll remember are the ones when you're just endlessly happy.
I remember those times when I used to bake with my mom and just were cherishing the presence of being together. Without paparazzi. Without management that tells you what to do and what not to do. Without fans. Just me and my mom.

And moments like when the boys and I cried together and hugged each other after our first concert.
Then came the break, the end, everything.
I felt so lost without the boys, so alone
How am I supposed to do it alone?

I tried and failed.
I do not want to anymore. Not that. Not without my mom and without the boys.

My head is pounding, my heartbeat was racing by the second.  
I knew that if I didn't finish today, I would try tomorrow.

So why wait, knowing I’ll do it one way or another?

I felt the wind blowing through my hair but it wasn't calming.
Felt the hard concrete from my roof underfoot.
Felt the rising anticipation in me.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and jumped.

Into the deep.

The end and the beginning at the same time.

***

Well uhm that's it haha this is for the wonderful littlethings__m. She already read it and correct me so thank you! I love you<3