I feel as though I'm a constant state of writers block. But.. I'm starting to think it's just me not knowing where the fuck to start.
Every therapist I've ever had has told me to document my thoughts and feelings, mood swings, intrusive thoughts, all that. When I bring them up, they immediately tell me to keep track. They ask me to document patterns, pay attention to what triggers them, all of that. But they know just as well as I do, because I literally have no clue what the fuck is going on up there.
I have so many thoughts in my head that I don't even know what's on my mind.
I know it's full of thoughts, because it's constantly racing. I can see pictures every time I focus on them. But it's like a slideshow, they don't move. They just sit there.
But what exactly am I thinking about?
Are they sensible thoughts?
Are they even real?
Am I even real?
Fuck. Anyway...
I know some normal people, they come around a lot less than the weird ones. The crazy thing is that no matter how many people I know, or how many people I will learn to know, I don't think anybody will ever be on the same level as me.
I don't know where that level is, whether I'm higher or lower than everyone else, but I know damn well nobody is on the same length as me. Maybe close, but not there. Not there at all.
For example, I know people who overthink, but I don't know anybody who genuinely lives their day-to-day believing all of their idiotic intrusive thoughts.
I know people who have behavioral problems, but I don't know anybody who can't go more than a fucking hour without a single outburst.
And that's the the difference between me and the unstable people of the world.
I'm not unstable, I'm too stable. Too stable with the fact that I'm unstable.
Nobody should have as many problems as I do.
Nobody should wake up every morning with death on their mind.
Nobody should feel sick every goddamn second of their life.
Nobody should smile when they hear somebody is dead.
Nobody should be able to cut through their own skin and not feel a damn thing about it.
Nobody should be able to let themselves slip into a state of failure and be perfectly fine with it. Why am I so okay with letting myself slip? If this were a couple years ago, I would be in shambles. Matter of fact, I wouldn't have even been close to failing in the first place. I wouldn't have let myself get this bad.
I guess I'm just different.
The only thing that makes me feel alive is getting so far gone that I can't even talk.
It feels more peaceful that way, because I can't open my mouth.
If I can't open my mouth, I can't talk.
If I can't talk I can't cause damage.
If I can't cause damage I can't disappoint anyone.
I wish I had the ability to do that without being impaired.
If I just stopped talking all the time, I'd be in a better place. If I just did what I was supposed to do, I'd be in a better place. If I listened to what people told me, I'd be in a better place. If I did the right thing, fuck, I would be thriving.
Yeah, can you tell I wanna change?
I want nothing more in life than change. I hate how I look. I hate how I act. I hate how I think. I hate how I live. I hate who I am.
The funniest thing though, is that I couldn't care less.
I want it so bad. I want it more than anything in the world.
But I don't care enough to try, because I've already failed.
Every time I attempt to get better, I get worse in the process.
I've learned to let it be. I look to my fate, I believe that everything happens for a reason. When things happen, I believe truly that something good will come out of it someday.
I believe everything happens for a reason, everything is meant to be. Everything is predetermined and I'm just playing the part.
This may be because I don't believe in god, and I'm trying to grasp for something to believe in. I may be wasting my time with these thoughts. But fuck, I sure hope one day I'll get something back from the world.
All these suicidal thoughts, sleepless nights, aches and pains, all the problems and all the hard work I put into my life. Something's gotta come out of it.. right?
Life is hard, it's so fucking hard, but I really hope one day this'll all be worth it.
I wanna be something. I wanna show what I can do. I wanna make a difference. I wanna be remembered.
I don't know where I'm getting with this but I think one day I'll feel closure with myself if I jot these feelings down.
