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          It burns, my throat, my eyes, my face, I hate feeling this way. My fingers push deeper and deeper, desperately trying to force my body to expel the contents of my stomach, its pathetic enough to make me cringe at myself, the hum of the bass sunk into my chest, and the excited sounds of unsupervised teens doing whatever unsupervised teens do at a party made its way through the cramped second-floor bathroom walls. My own hands violated the back of my throat, all because I ate at a party, so you know average teenager stuff. My jaw and arms felt so sore, I didn't even feel sorry for myself anymore, I did it enough that it was starting to feel normal now, maybe I should be a bit more concerned for myself. Tears, sweat, and saliva dripped down from my face, it feels disgusting on my skin. Pathetic pathetic pathetic pathetic. I just shouldn't have eaten in the first place but I did and now I have to do this myself. Self-induced vomiting is actually much more difficult and painful than you would imagine but in all honesty, the throwing up isn't even the worst part, not that it matters, I lifted my aching legs off the ground, finally, I can wash up and go home now, everything about today had been too much. I got dragged to a party by my sister who believed I wasn't 'living enough' but this party was making my will to live deplete every second, I knew nobody and stood in the corner miserably because my soul is too emo to socialize. I anxious ate anything I could get my hands on,  regretted it 2 seconds too late, and now here I was. 

          I began to wash up, my head throbbed hard like it was trying to cave in on itself, to make matters worse, someone began to bang at the bathroom door. I didn't really know what to do so I ignored it and kept on washing my face, my vision was spotting, the bangs were getting so much louder now, someone really wanted to get in, why can't they just use a different bathroom, ugh. I lifted my head from the sink relenting to the bangs but my head felt so tingly now as if it was weightless just like a cloud, my knees buckled unable to support my body any longer, I watched as the door swung open off its hinges, I was falling.

"Oops" my body hit the ground. 

          "Hi" was the first thing I heard when I regained my consciousness, I was still on the bathroom floor, my head hurt as if someone had been hitting it with a hammer. "You okay mate?" 

"Ohh... umm yes I just had too much to drink" I lied, finally looking up at whoever had broken the door while also witnessing my little fainting episode, blue eyes met mine. 

          "Do you need help-" 

"No I'm okay" I cut him off, he had reached his arm out probably to help me up but I quickly pushed my tired muscles off the ground before he could get to me. "Ummm thanks for uh- for the help" I mumbled. I'm such a coward, I caught him running his arm through his brown hair. I rushed my way downstairs in an attempt to escape that boy. I didn't need any new additions to my list of problems. I don't like it when people act so kind, it always ends badly, he was definitely that type. 

          "Where were you?" my sister yelled barely audible over the music.

"Having a mind-blowing orgy while snorting 3 pounds of cocaine" I scoffed, I was ruining her evening, coming here was a mistake. Her friends seemed to be long gone probably sick of babysitting me. "Gemma can we please just go" she finally gave in, I followed her closely, the party was smaller than what I had imagined. I guess actual drug/orgy fest parties only exist in the movies, not that I was complaining. It was still sort of a letdown, coming here expecting a rager only to find a bunch of awkward kids stick to their own cliques just with loud music in the background.

          "So your last day of summer was pretty disappointing huh?" Gemma said once we were both sitting in her terrible beat-up Toyota. 

"At least my life's consistent," I grumbled resting my head on the window, I know she just wanted me to have fun but I'm so sick of other people deciding when I should feel happy. I'm fine the way I am, why do I even need to be happy? I'll get sad sooner or later anyway.  

          "I just wanted you to have fun on the last day of summer with you, Harry can you stop being a dick for 2 seconds?" Guess I pushed it too far.

"I'm sorry," she really doesn't know me. It's not her fault, she just never got to. I'm making everybody miserable.

         "Whatever," she began to drive, I'm the worst brother ever she deserves so much more.

"Umm so do you want to go somewhere?" Please don't say no.

         "I'm tired, let's just call it a day" Fuck.

"Okay," The drive home was weird and silent, siblings are so weird, we're expected to love each other just because we born to the same parents through sheer coincidence, if we hadn't been birthed by the same person I'm sure she would have thought I was useless and pathetic, she probably still does. In that sense families are weird in general, why doesn't anyone get to choose who they love? Why are we doomed by the chemicals in our brains to love people even if it destroys us?       

          "Was the party fun?" Our mother's smiling face welcomed us back home, I don't know how she does it.

"Ask Harry that," She said kicking her shoes off, she stormed off to her room. 

          "What did you do Harry?" Of course, blame it on me, I mean it's definitely my fault but I'm still going to be pissed about it.

"The party was just terrible" Today was so exhausting, even though usually it was just me and mum who stayed home, our house was pretty large, it was kind of eerie, I hated it. I usually just stayed holed up in my room anyway, I used to envy kids who lived in small houses because it meant that their family was always close by, as if a smaller house could have been our saving grace. I collapsed onto my couch, my knees still kind of hurt, I began surfing through the channels on TV, it was the exact same thing I had done yesterday, the day before that and the one before that too, and every night I can remember, this should be more terrifying but I don't really care.

          "Do you want me to make you something to eat?" I hate it when she tries so hard.

"I ate at the party" technically not a lie since I did eat at the party, only I threw up right after. Why did she have to ask? I hate this, I hate letting her down all the time. She deserves so much better than me, everyone does.

          "Your teacher called again, they really want you to join the student council don't they" 

"I'm not joining" I huffed, I wanted the TV to drown everything out, I want to be left alone.

          "I think you should join Harry" she's looking at her hands, God this is your own son you're talking to, you don't have to be so timid all the time. You're literally my mother you can tell me what to do.

"Okay" I wonder what throwing a temper tantrum feels like, maybe if I had a fit I wouldn't have to join. I had been disappointing enough today, mum could use a win. I've never been good at saying no either. 

          "Good" she smiled, this interaction is so cold, well I guess I am to blame for that. I want to make her happy but I'm not good enough for that. Fuck, this is going to be a long-ass year.