Destiel Oneshots

Bisexual {Destiel}

Just a quick something for pride month!
This probably takes place in season 12? 13?
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Self destruction. It's how he copes and Dean's more than aware of that then he'd ever admit. He knows that's why he spends night drinking himself asleep, having sex with whoever would give him a second glance, or go on hunts without fear for his own safety. He knows it, and he knows that this is just another way to cause himself that pain. To drown himself rather than let the guilt do it for him, yet he goes anyway.

The sun's low in the sky when Dean parks the impala on a quiet street. His hands still gripping the steering wheel as he watches the house he'd parked across from.

He- Ben, steps out of the front door first, a dark gown hanging from his shoulders and a matching cap in hand. He's tall, much taller than Dean remembers, and grown up, with a shaggy mess of dark brown hair and broad shoulders that fill out his gown. Lisa steps out afterwards and whatever breath Dean has is torn from his lungs. A suffocating pain crashing upon his shoulder as Lisa turns towards Ben, her lips spread out in a wide smile that makes her whole face light up.

He isn't sure what he'd expected. A quick glimpse of Ben from the safety of the impala, a reassurance that they were okay, a moment to pretend that he was still part of the family, not pain.

Hot.

Alive.

And without mercy.

As if he was being torn apart cell by cell, left to do nothing but choke down the agony and pray he died soon.

"Dean?" He looks to his right where Cas was sitting in the passenger seat, a concerned expression across his face. "Are you okay?"

"Yah, it's just- shit," Dean takes a deep breath looking back to Lisa and Ben. He doesn't know what it is, why it hurts so much, all he knows is that the uncertainty only makes it worse. "He's graduating. And I- and," Dean hesitates, the words stuck in his throat, held down by the pain.

"I wasn't there for any of it," Dean finally says. "I wasn't there for his eighteenth birthday, or to look at university, or do any of that crap, and she's-"

"You still want to be with her?" Cas asks when Dean doesn't continue speaking

"No."

"But you still love her?"

"No."

"But it hurts?'

"Like a son of a bitch."

The words hang, Cas for once seeming to understand that Dean didn't want to keep talking and instead lets the car fall in silence. They watch Lisa lean in giving Ben a hug before they both get into Lisa's car and pull out of the driveway. It's barely a second but Dean gets a glimpse of her as the car passes them, a smile still across her face as she sings along to whatever songs playing in her car, something that Dean would probably roll his eyes to but still sing along anyways.

It's only a second and soon enough the car has disappeared behind them turning off the block and into a different road. Despite that Dean doesn't make any attempt to start the impala, his hands still gripping the steering wheel as his gaze stays on the house.

He knows the layout, even now, years later. The colour of each room, the shelves he'd added to the office, and the creaky step he'd been meaning to fix. The garden he'd tried to grow and the broken slab in the fence from when he and Ben had been playing baseball. Every addition he'd made and every addition he'd wanted to make. He remembers it as if he'd been there that morning, and yet they didn't even know his name.

"I'm not lying," Dean finally whispers, the silence no longer bearable. "I don't want to be with her."

And he meant it.

But the same way his dad's death still weighed on him, or his mother's death, or Bobby's, or Jo's or anyone else in the long list of people they'd lost. This loss weighed on him.

"I don't think I ever should've been with her." He doesn't look towards Cas as he speaks, keeping his gaze forward. If he did look, Dean wasn't sure he could keep speaking.

He takes a breath, letting his hands fall from the steering wheel and instead to his side. "When you're a teengager- that's supposed to be when you figure things out, who you are, what you want to do, all that crap." Dean says, his voice seeming to echo through the small space, louder than he ever wanted to be, more open than he wanted to ever be. "But for me it was already figured out, dad had decided what he needed and there wasn't much room for argument."

Much.

That was a nicer word than any.

Much gave him at least some kind of choice. Even if he knew the truth, it was nice to pretend he'd been given some say in giving up his childhood.

"When Sam got locked in the cage and with dad already gone, I had nothing, I could do whatever I wanted, no one holding me back, no expectations, and that scared the shit outta me." Dean looks down, using his thumb to pick at a hangnail. "I was almost thirty, so I did what I was supposed to- I got a girlfriend and a kid, I found a job, lived in a house, had the apple pie life, I finally had the chance to figure myself out and was still too scared to even try."

"I cared about Lisa, and I still do, I always will, but I never should've been with her," Dean says,  his chest tight, Cas's eyes burning against his side, yet he keeps speaking, no matter how much his heart begged him not to. "She was me trying to hide, I didn't want to figure myself out, I felt like it was too late you know? And I guess I was still scared about disappointing my dad, and I- I don't know what I'm talkin' about."

He could almost taste the words on the tip of his tongue as he looks up, meeting Cas's intense gaze

Blue, vibrant, holding Dean's attention. He could look forever, memorise every shade that danced through them, study the way the light reflected against them, he could look forever if the words would just leave his lips. 

"Cas," Dean finally says. "I've been doing that now, trying to figure things out, and I think I like girls and-" he forces himself to exhale, "I think I'm bi."

And in love with you

Cas stares, blinking, then tilts his head, Dean's racing in his chest the whole time. "Dean," He can feel his throat tighten though he forces himself to breathe through his nose, holding eye contact with the other. "You should be incredibly proud of yourself," Cas offers a small smile, "I'm incredibly proud of you."

Dean forces another breath barely able to breath through the lump in his throat never mind talk. "Thanks for coming," He manages, "really Cas it means alot."

They don't speak again, and instead Dean pulls back onto the road, the quiet sound of Led Zeppelin filling the car as for the first time that day Dean takes a steady breath, feeling a little lighter.

He'd confess his feelings some other day, for now, this was enough.

-
I've said it on my message board already but happy pride everyone! I hope everyone's who's trans and/or queer knows how amazing they are and realizes just how much strength they have to even just exist in this world. You are all so incredible and I hope you're proud of who you are❤️
Endless love, Paige

(I have a few more pride oneshots based off of various sexualities planned for this month! Hopefully they'll turn out a little bit better then this one!)