a short story of how i am liveing with greaf, guilt and many other feelngs

the first and last chapter

"hope can give you a great chance at life so never give up hope i didn't and i still don't hope is keeping me togther today so please rember this." - alissa hall (a saying i tell my family when ever i think they need it )

(1428 numbers that rebrsent julieanna, kellyanna ,rebbeca, kathleen and i)

losing family is hard for anyone but loseing friennds that helped you through school and geting bullyed it harder my name is alissa chanice hall i lost family members before and it was hard but loseing two freinds that helped me through school that helped keep me from comiting suicide it was harder julieanna was a sweet and careing person we were friends since 6th grade she understood me i wasn't populer and i always got bullyed and she always helped me through it. if i had apeticarly hard day she always cheered me up we had a great group of friends untill 10th grade before we wen't on our christmas break she had told us that she had cancer she said she didn't want to be treated diffrntly but that she had to tell us because she was only given a year to live and it was coming to an end. julieann died on christmas day that year. i was at my aunt and i rember just having a good time with my cuosint. i had no idea until i got the call from her parents telling me she pased. we had good times happy memorys and we always called our selves sisters. she was like my sister. her one wish was to graduate high school and she never got that chance if i was able to say a goodbye to her i would say ' you were my everything the one person that kept me alive the one person that would listen to all the taylor swift songs to find one that represented how i felt and the one song that would always make me feel better, you will always be the person i think of when i have a bad day i love you my friend, my partner, and my sister and i will never forget you.' thanks to her invisable and mean two of taylor swifts songs are the songs i look too when i need some chearing up or when i need to rember that bullying isn't that huge of a deal. losing her was too much for me a greived her death for two years my mother got tiered of me crying when ever i lisoned to her favret song if i die young she didn't understand julieanna was the only person that helped me when i needed it she would call the school bord if the princible blamed me for being bulled she would even burst into there office and screem at them she told me ' no princible should tell you to change who you are just so you wount get maid fun off and no princible should ever tell you to stop being a crybaby and no princible should tell you that you brought it onto your self. i delt with all of it but i delt with something way worse i was harrased in 12th grade i was told to kill my self over and over again and then i was told told if i didn't kill my self by a surten month she would kill me i was told to erse everythinfg and just ignore it so i did only to move and hear that the person who harassed me went and put a knife in my friends hand and wouldn't stop saying things to her untill she commited suicide right in front of her and her little sister the princible blamed my friends and i saying that we had gave the high school a bad rebutation and name. if julieanna was still here she would have screemed and yelled at the princible for blaming the victoms of the bulling he had told them to ignore and dealte any messeges. if i haden't listioned to him the police would have had eveidece and rebecca my dear friend would have still been alive rebbeca and i wasn't close but we praformed togther manny times and always made me lagh. julieanna would have said ' alissa don't you dare listen to him because this could escalte to the point were you will need to get the police invloed and they will want the evidnce.' and she would have been right but at the time i was having a hard time that i didn't think of what julieanna would tell me to do. at that time a man tried to kiss me and another on touched my but and a few mail studints thought it would be funny to stick there hand down the top of the dress i was wearing. none of that was funny it was hard on me but lukly i wasn't alone i had julieanna's younger sister kellyanna but she went by kelly she was just like her older sister but a little more held back she helped me through my hard times but i had lost her from the same cancer as her sister but she had no idea and was in a car accident becoause i had asked her to pick up rebbeca after she had a huge fight with her boyfriend. it's still unknown if the couse of her death was from the cancer or the brain bleed she had that the doctors were sure was so small she didn't need surgry and by the time they realised it had gotten to big she was to weak to go through surgery. it's hard to know that someone in her family blamed me for kelly's death because i had asked her to go pick up a friend and if i hadn't she wouldn't have been in the accident. i know it's not my foult but like her sister she was like my sister she took her sisters spot and helped me through the last stages of grife i was still going trough i don't cry when i listen to if i die young anymore but kelly's favret song is still a little hard fight song is a great song but i can't listion to it with out feeling gulty now. you see there younger sister is sweet and careing but she didn't grow up with them she lived with her uncle and he blames me for kelly's death kathleen was more then a friend to me no she is nothing like a sister to me she was my girlfriend i loved her so much untill i had spent some time with her family and the intiere time her uncle yelled at me saysing i killed kelly and i wasn't welcome in the family thanks to that we broke up and i started feeling all this guilt and when ever kathleen would ask me to tell her about her sisters the guilt would show it's ugly head i leard how tolive with this grief i feel for my two best friends and sisters. but i can't live with a guilt i shoudn't feel it's qought possible i will lose a great friend and any chance on kathleen and i to get back together all becouse her uncle thinks i killed kelly. no one should tell you that you killed someone when you haven't. thanks to my two friend / sisters i am stronger and relized that if the guilt is because of someone then i need to cut all ties with them but sadly that means cuting all ties with a family that was like my second family a family that helped me out a family that had offered to help my mother when i had told them my fear of loseing my youger brother to his mean and scary father. i don't whant to cut all ties to them but i am going to have to that family is super close and there is no way i am going to ruien there relatinship becouse on of them thinks i killed his neice. it will upset me as well as my friend as i always helped her feel close to her sisters but distroying a family over one thing as simble as being blamed of something that wasn't my foult is not who i am. my friends are with god now and as long as i rember that i am fine but god can't decide for me i have to and if i have to end a friendship just so my friends family to stay togther and as strong as when i first met them the it's a scarifice i am willing to take. i hope you rest in piece julieanna, kellyanna and rbbeca i will always rember the three friends that i performed with you may not have been abele to follow your dreams of going to juilard but know that you have inspierded me a lot and incorged me to continue to write .