Call Me Jamie

Chapter 1 - Who the Hell Am I?

Bucky had been nonbinary since the 40's. It was a secret, hidden between Steve and them. Because being anything but a cisgender heterosexual would lead to the threat of a death penalty on the street. Then they were captured by H.Y.D.R.A, forced to forget everything about Jamie "Bucky" Barnes through the extensive and painful torture they ensued. So now that they were free, finding themself again proved to be a challenge. Coming out to the team, an even greater one.

Steve had never mentioned it to the super soldier, so they were left to figure it out on their own. It started with dreams, brief glimpses of the Jamie before the trauma. They remembered Steve calling them 'Jamie'. But Steve used Bucky now, everyone called them Bucky and when things were serious they used their legal name. James. They felt an odd feeling in their gut every time the name was spoken. It didnt feel like him, and it caused him to retreat to their mind to think about and try and decipher their feeling like they did with all their other new or confusing emotions.

The odd feeling came back when they commented on their long hair, their muscley arms and super soldier body, their 'grumpy old man' stature.

"Maybe you should get a haircut, Buck! It might help, you know? A change of style?" Tony offered up. Jamie frowned.

"But i kinda like it..." They mumbled quietly, biting at their nail as they slumped in their seat.

"Do what you will, just a suggestion dude" The billionaire smiled softly, patting Jamie on his flesh shoulder. Jamie returned the gesture with a nod of their head, and a mumble of 'thanks...'

Jamie certainly was grateful for how accepting the Avengers had become of them, the mutual understanding that "Bucky Barnes" was not the Winter Soldier, in fact they were kind and loving to any kind person they met. They made breakfast for the team, surprisingly they were a good cook. Introduced the team to their favorite Great Depression deserts, their favorite being "mashed potato candy". It was a hit for most of the team, Thor munching down far more than Jamie had deemed healthy or necessary. They had to make another two batches, one for Thor and one for the rest of the team.

The next occurrence was the 'compliments' of their toned muscles while sparring with Steve. Jamie was retired for the time being, scared of themself and tired of the fight. They fought for far too long, they deserved the rest and healing. It was Thor who commented, the muscly god comparing.

"Wow! Midgardians, I see the super soldier serum has made you all muscley! Just as I am!" He cheered, watching as Bucky hooked a punch, Steve expertly blocking it. Buckys guard had been let down for a mere second as they recognized the feeling in their stomach once again, giving the Captain the opportunity to maneuver them to the ground, pinning them.

"Shit..." They groaned as their back hit the floor.

"Sorry, Buck. You good? You pulled your last punch." Steve informed, looking at him warely.

"Yup, fine." They falsely reassured. Confusion continued to meddle in their brain, unable to understand the way they felt.

They didnt feel like a man, and that didnt make sense to them. They had lost the memory of what nonbinary even was or meant, there for they were at step one. Searching things on his StarkPad, confusion filling his body and leaving a tight uncomfortable feeling in his chest.

"What the hell am i?" They mumbled to themself as the bright light of the screen illuminated their face in the darkness of the night.

"Buck? Why're you still up?" Steve asked softly, leaning against the doorway.

"Oh, uh... Nothing. Just... Looking some stuff up." He replied. It wasnt a full lie, he was looking stuff up, frantically typing they feelings and what they could possibly mean. It all came back towards the word "nonbinary" and "gender non-conforming".

"Whats nonbinary?" He blurted. Steves eyes widened a bit before softening as he stepped further into the room. He sank to the floor next to the other super soldier, glancing towards the screen. "Why do i feel weird when people say i should have short hair because im a man?"

"Nonbinary is when someone doesnt feel like a man or a woman. Its neither, and for some people it could be both." He explained. He didnt feel like it was his place to remind them of their previous gender identity, it was something they had to figure out on their own. Again.

"Oh... Am i nonbinary?" He asked. Steve wanted to say yes, but he didnt.

"Do you think you are?"

"I dont know yet."