i was angry,cursed,sad,i hated everything.
i was writing poems which was beautiful and then torn it because i hate it.
i hated nursery , school , collage i was crying everyday.
i wished to do bad things but i was so calm outside and burning down inside.
i was good girl a perfect girl with a beautfull smile which its fake.
i hated flowers i felt disgusting when someone bring it to me, and when i was happy and wanted it , i never got it.
i didn't feel anything i didn't want to feel anything i just wanted to be paralyzed inside and outside.
there were suicidal thoughts all around me , i never listened to it. I wish now that I was listening to these thoughts.
i hated everything my black hair , my shape , i hated the color blue which everyone loved it
i walked in empty streets i was happy for a moment.
i wanted to leave my home,city but it's impossiable.
i wanted to be free but it was Difficult.
i hated my curly hair , my big face , my skin.
i wrote a text and never sent it i wished to face you but i couldn't
"you ruined my life"
i deleted the msg , it wasn't easy.
i hated my weak body , twisted mind , dark thoughts , trust issues , mood swings .
ending up suicide ?
no, i think ending up paralyzed.
i was good friend i think,
i walked away ,so many times ,
because i was so tired , it's never was easy.
i looked away and i saw a light and then nothing.
just darkness.
i thought i was dead.
but my heart beats fast.
i was scared , lonely , lost,
lost in my mind,and in my thoughts.
nightmares , feeling trapped , choking.
my heart beats faster.
Darkness, anxious, distraught.
My heart will explode
here when i wake up,another bad dream.
i brushed my teeth , i dressed up, brushed my hair , put some makeup , walk down the stairs.
Dealing perfectly with people.
And Dying inside .
I've to act that everything is cool.
And Put my beautiful smile
how can we get out from here?
if we can see our future , will we be in the same situation?
i always curious what will happen to me at the future.
i hope to choose it over my past.
