You'll Be Stuck Here, For Quite a While

You'll Be Here, For Quite a While

From January 20th 2019, to now. Not a day has gone by, where my love for you has died. There was a reason why I left and it's not fair but it also needed to happen.

Our relationship was good, from beginning to end there were no hiccups, no screwups, just a ride I'd never get off of for as long as I'd live. We laughed, loved and enjoyed every moment spent together. Life however, yielded something I couldn't escape. Given how I was braught up and who I was surrounded by I never expressed certain feelings because I was always used to holding them and dealing with them on my own. There was a time where I would have, but you were tired.

Our school lives were taking a toll on us, you fell asleep so easily when we had a chance to see each other. You tried to make time for me in a schedule where you really didn't have time but you made it anyway. I had more time so for me that wasn't the issue. My issue made itself known through cutting my emotions down. I became less of myself, I saw amd lived you the same but things became very difficult. When I saw you fall asleep, I didnt want to bug you, when you texted me less due to the work you were taking care of (job amd school) I didnt want to interrupt. I know youd make the time for me if I said something. But that wasn't what you needed to do.

You struggled with school before, your grades fell through and you took time off to better things. I knew it was happening again because you said so but it wasn't as bad. My head wasnt in the right place because I thought if I told you what was going on, I'd become a problem. Your focus would come to me and youd end up where you were before. So I took time to think, I tried to better myself and get help wherever I could get it in between work and school. But I couldn't do enough. I made a choice, somthing had to give. "I didn't want to burden you" I tjought, so I ended things, November of 2019.

This was a mistake that I'd sit on, for far too long.

Throughout all the things I've experienced, being bullied for six and a half years, having my heart broken by other people in fucked up ways, being told I'm not good enough, being told to man up and hold it in. I've never experienced such pain for so long, ever in my life so far. A pain I braught onto myself and you. A double edged sword. To me, no words can truly describe how sorry I am and how much I regret what I ended up doing.

I got caught up with school, Covid hit, I isolated myself, and spent a year and a half thinking about you on and off and progressively building up feelings in many forms throughout all that time. Four days ago I sent you a message, I asked you if I were to ask you out again, if youd give me another go or not. This was something I dont believe I got to ask, too little too late they say. You moved on, like I thought you would have, I expected it.

Why did it hurt so much to hear.

Why did I feel empty all of a sudden, why did my heart begin to pound as if it's being beaten, why did an image of you fade away, out of my mind.

I've loved you since the day we met, and leaving didnt change that. You didnt even need to try to become the love of my life, or my bestfriend. I don't believe I'll ever see you in a different way.

You were, and still are a perfect individual, as perfect as humanly possible. You are perfect. I wish you all the best, I hope you'll continue to smile and be the person you've always been. You care so much, you'll do anything for the people you love, and I want you to know this. You changed me, you showed me that someone could care about me, could be happy with me, and love me unconditionally.

The sun set on our story, for a new horizon to be had the next day. But the suns absence didnt take away the light my love has for you. My heart will always whisper your name, I dont need to listen closely to hear it. The darkness I had, I no longer fear it. I remember saying a long time ago, if I were to leave, and someday I asked you out again, and you accepted me back into your life. You couldnacvept that as a proposal.

That was a promise I made you. I broke a few when I let you go. That one will always stand strong. Even if we part ways forever. I'll be sure to keep that one promise to you. Even if I shouldn't, even if what I'm feeling is invalid. I'll keep it for you, and for myself.

Here in my heart, you'll stay, Here in my heart I'll remember the day inst you. Here in my heart.

You'll be here, for quite a while. Engraved in my memory, will rest your beautiful smile.

To my ex, to my love, to my bestfriend, Honey bee.

I love you. Always will, and I'm happy for you :)

Take care.

- Brandon Sooman