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late night crisis part 1? we'll see.

i'm scared. of myself. of my brain. of my thoughts and feelings. about how i feel right now. about how i think i've felt for... a while. i care about O. i love her. but.. in the same way that she says she loves me? i think i do. i thought i did, i...
i don't really know.
i just know that i'm scared. of being heartbroken again, in a similar enough way to the way that did when my last relationship ended that is just a bit too far from coincidental that makes me believe that i might be the problem, not them. that for some reason, i attract these people. with these problems.
i can remember, not even long ago. she made my heart flutter when we talked. she made me laugh, cry. the way her face lights up, how her voice softens. when she sees me. how i feel the same when i see her. i'm just... conflicted. i'm glad i told people, and i'm confident that they won't tell anyone else. maybe it was wrong to tell them that. at the very least at least i didn't tell them about her trying to off herself a few times. that's another thing i haven't really thought about i guess, another similar thing between these two people that are so so different and yet so so similar in so many ways, and they've spoken maybe one time. two worlds, different yet more similar than they could ever know, colliding. i'd like to think it's that. the fact that they're so similar. and not the fact that the moment O talks about her problems, trusts me to listen to her that my brain decides to start being a problem. to start having doubts. except. i don't know if i've had doubts from the beginning. i mean. i know i do, actually. just, in a different way than what it sounds like when you say those words, "i'm having doubts." it sounds scary, really. idk, i've always just felt like i don't show as much love as she does, that she puts more effort into the relationship, in some ways. the long paragraphs, poetic morning texts. i just. i don't know. that's always been something in the back of my mind, i feel like compared to her i'm not trying enough. when i try harder because of it, she raises higher, even further from my reach. also. the whole never seeing her thing. is a real issue. again, i'm terrified of that, and she said the other night that she's scared too. that because we've rarely seen each other in person that one of us will break it off. since that's the last "reason" B broke it off with me. even though that was definitely an excuse for wanting to be with some guy. and for cheating on me, and all that jazz. yeah, it's hard. but it's not just hard on you. you just decided first that you've had enough, enough of me, and decided to call it. part of me is scared that that will still happen somehow? even though O explicitly said that she wouldn't do that to me, and i promised the same. but right now my hearts kinda telling me that isn't the problem. then... what is?
maybe... that i'm starting to have doubts for the very reason i promised her i wouldn't break up with her over?
shit man.
not necessarily that. i just think generally a lot of doubts that i have about us, and the relationship, would be addressed if we saw each other in person more often. not out loud, but in my own mind. maybe not. but it would have to be easier.. right? i think so. i hope so.
idk
idk
idk

i really
don't know

and i don't want to break her heart

that's the last thing i'd want to do. all she's shown me is love and kindness and smiles and promises of happier days. and she seems to really love me.
every time she says those words to me, and i say them back, my heart wonders, and questions
it shouldn't, but it does
and even though my brain asks each time we utter those words what either of us, still children, know about love
the other part of me is still petrified. because she seems enthralled, entranced, enamored by me.
i don't want to break her.
i don't want to break us.

.. i don't think i will.
yet.

nothings truly been done yet.
and i've seen what she's doing. she told me. she hasn't had pills in a couple of days. i have no idea how often she was actually taking them before, she could have been lying to me about that too. but she told me she's been sick, feeling terrible, confined to her bed for the past couple of days while her brain begs her to take the pills, to choose happiness, and tranquility and emptiness and..

i can see that she's trying.
i could see that B was trying too.
well..
i could see that B wanted to try. they were trying to try. and.. well..

we know how that ended up, how they ended up, don't we?

it isn't fair really, O and B are far from the same person.

and yet my brain is telling me.. no, warning me, that they're similar, one in the same really, maybe not in all things but in the things that matter, in the things that made and broke B and i and may break me and O as well if i'm not careful, if i don't listen.

but still.
i have to give O the benefit of the doubt.

yeah, i'm still petrified.
her "i'll get myself straightened out for you. and for myself. for both of us"

it's just.. so similar to what B said. so many times. too many times. i should have realized their mouth was spewing lies like clockwork, should have realized that i should stop being so enthralled and actually listen to the slur, the drag, the carefree giggle in their voice always present when they were drunk, more than not just a teenager should be but more than any person should be. i should have known that when they were drunk and making these promises to be better, that they were empty promises. i mean, i see it now. but clearly it's a bit late.

but i digress.

the thing is, O told me that she had taken pills. that day when she told me. a couple of days ago now. and, frankly i have no experience with that, and i don't know exactly how she felt and how she was affected, but she herself apologized a few times and said that the pills had made her brain a bit fuzzy. which. happened to be when she made her promise to me, to stop taking the pills.

but again, she's a different person. who deserves a chance to better herself for the both of us. idk, i'm scared of what will happen either way, whether she is or isn't able to stop.

if she isn't, then i'm gonna have to make myself break it off. because i wasn't able to with B and that's partly why i ended up being so broken.

if she does.. i don't know. just back to the other problems, the other worrying. not to mention that she's taking the pills for a reason. i mean, to get high, but to get high to feel better. to not feel depressed. to feel happy. she herself said how she already feels that dragging down on her, begging her to just take a few pills.

i don't really know. i'll just give it some time i guess. maybe i'll be back. who knows. but for now.

this is goodbye.