Hope has never left me

Where do i begin

I'm not so sure where to begin. Chronologically made a lot of sense. Beginning at the end or starts where it begins. Either way I have to start. This has been gnawing at the back of my mind for about 20 years.

What prompted me to write? I do have a story to tell. Quite compelling I would say. But I'm not so sure how to flesh it out. If we begin with what i am now, nothing seems quite that interesting. From outside everything looks good. In fact my Arab husband and I look like an average upper middle income couple. We have a nice house, a nice car, live in a nice neighborhood in a small suburban Midwest town. Pretty mundane to say the least. The Muslim community in town is still pretty small.

30 years ago I was the minority among the minority. People don't care when I passed by them although I was in my hijab. No one cares. Most thought I was a nun. Fast forward 2021, I'm still a minority among the minority, given the fact that I am Asian, a woman, and a Muslim. The last adjective may trigger some people. But I don't really care anymore. People can be triggered by anything. Your cat out roaming the neighborhood could upset your bird loving neighbor. Your car parking on the street at night may upset your neighbor who can't see very well at night. Being Muslim these days could still invite curiosity, some people don't care, some would have preconceived ideas shaped by popular culture and media, they can't help it, unless they actively look for the right resources to educate and inform themselves.

My daughter just got married to a white guy. Something that my husband and I have talked about in the past and open up our mind to. But was never quite ready to accept initially. When we met Adam we fell in love with him right away. He is so likable. That's the problem. We cannot afford not to like him. He loves my Asian food. He loves to cook and he helped out in the kitchen. In my book he is a gem.

I was beyond excited when my daughter told us that Adam and her are serious and they planned to be married some day. Little that I know some day is not really far distant in the future. My daughter was in graduate school and was quite stressed by the whole ordeal. So I thought she will wait until she is over with this phase of her life before embarking on a new one.

Before I knew it, we were preparing for the wedding. So what kind of wedding are we preparing for? Is it the Malaysian one or is it the  Arab wedding ceremony, the latter which confuses the heck out of me. My dear husband is from the Middle East, steeped in culture especially when it comes to marriage. First there is this 'asking for her hand' occasion. More commonly known as 'Fatiha'. Fatiha technically is the first chapter of the Quran. I asked my Arab husband why it is called a Fatiha? My not-so-keen-about-the-Arab-marriage-culture husband replied, I don't know. And he is not going to look it up or ask anything about it to anyone. Although he is as confused as I am.

So what happened on this day is that a bunch of men usually the friends of the future groom's father will go to the bride family home, on an agreed upon date, to ask for her hand. But this is not an engagement. Neither in the Malaysian Malay culture. For us this event is also looked at asking for her hand in marriage. In both the Arab Palestinian culture and the Malaysian Malay culture, this event is to inform the community that she has been asked for marriage. Depending on the family, especially the conservative ones, the couple are not suppose to be seen together in public, or for the less conservative ones, they can be together as a couple in public just not privately meeting in some secret hideout. This is because they are not legally married as stipulated by Islamic injunction.

So what comes next? What happened next is what boggles my Malaysian Muslim Asian mind. So for the Palestinian Arab the next occasion is called an engagement. The family of the future bride and the groom again come together on an agreed upon date for an occasion called katib kitab, which means writing of the contract. During this occasion, an imam will be there to conduct the ceremony. A marriage contact is prepared, the father of the bride giving his permission for the daughter to be married and the bride and groom agreeing to be married. Simple enough right? Wrong. Islamically they are legally married but, a big but right here. They are not suppose to live together let alone sleep together. Why you ask. The idea here is that, since they are legally married, they can be out an about together, hold hands, gaze into each other's eyes, basically can be seen out together in public and can be in private setting if they chose to do so. This period is suppose to be the period where they get to know each other enough that they can take the next step, which is the big wedding reception. If both after this period of getting to know each other, decided that they are not compatible enough, they can call of the 'engagement', which culminates in a Islamic divorce. Yes they are divorced. As always, the man will not carry as big of a stigma as the woman. Pretty predictable.

See, this will send the Malay Muslim head spinning. Not in a million years will this be accepted in that society. But who cares. It works for the Arabs. The Malays can keep their mouth shut and keep their opinion to themselves. For the Malay, an engagement is an engagement, which can be called off if the couple find out that they are not
compatible enough. Not a divorce, just a broken engagement.

So what would we do with a daughter who is half Arab and half Malay.