Limo Ride, Alone

Stevie lifted her head off of the window. The cool glass against the side of her face felt good, but the limo was hitting rough payment, making her face glide up & down while her cheek stayed pressed.  It reminded her of a boat rocking but without the salty sea air, and the hum of the air conditioning was a poor substitute for the calming sound of waves and seaguls.

While on tour, she normally flew from city to city with the rest of the band, Mick, John, Christine, and Lindsey, but this particular day was a sad one.  She didn't need to spend it with the man associated with her heartbreaking memories, and she couldn't bring herself to plaster on the "everything's ok" smile even if it was only for a few hours.  Lindsey, her on again, off again lover was married, with children, and nothing would change that.  Usually, Stevie was genuinely happy for him, as he found a beautiful young wife who gave him the family he always longed for. He seemed to mellow with the joys and responsibilities of being a father.  His crinkly blue eyes sparkled when he spoke of his children, and he'd laugh while relaying news from home.

Stevie started to get the lump in her throat that told her she wasnt going to be able to hold back the tears.  It was today, just a few years ago, that they ended things "for good".  She'd sent him away after lying about her feelings.  She'd sworn to Lindsey's face that she didn't love him, told him he was nothing more than a  comfortable companion, and that he was basically just a good road fuck.  They'd been on tour for months and had resumed their torrid affair, as they usually did while doing shows.  But as each tour ended, it took more and more of Stevie's heart to say goodbye. It was beginning to tax her soul.

Today was the anniversay of the end.  It happened in Denver, after Lindsey told Stevie he wanted to leave his wife for her.  At first, she was elated.  After all the years of coming together and breaking apart, they could finally make a real relationship.  They could get back to who they were in their early 20's, over 40 years ago.  That night, Stevie fell asleep in his arms, a content smile tugging at the sides of her mouth.  Her Lindsey.  Hers. 

She dreamed of two young girls and a boy, playing in a castle surrounded by green hills, birds, and sunshine.  The children were so happy, with angelic expressions and a fairy-like playfulness about them.  They ran and giggled, as a prince and princesses, with musical voices that lifted towards the sky. The wind picked up, and a great, cold darkness suddenly overtook them.  They became sad, pathetic, drooping creatures wearing dirty clothes, with tear stains on their faces.  Their mother seemed to be a ghost, quickly fading away.  The youngest girl cried, "why did the storm take our daddy?"

Stevie woke up in a sweat, feeling overwelmingly guilty for her continued involvement with Lindsey.  She replayed their previous conversation and realized what she needed to do.  She couldn't destroy a family - those children - and Lindsey would have it no other way.

With coldness and cruelty, she broke it off. He cried and fought for her, and she told him he needed to "man up".  She wasn't his and never would be, and since he couldn't handle that they were over with, forever.

How she got through it she'll never know. She completely buried her feelings.  The band finished the last few nights of that tour with Stevie and Lindsey not speaking or even looking at each other.  The months to follow nearly killed Stevie, but she was eventually able to slowly put some of the pieces of her life back together.  Months became a few years and a short overseas tour came and went.  Stevie left Lindsey alone to heal, and she put a Kevlar rod in her own heart just to hold it together.

This tour was better.  They treated each other carefully.  He didn't know about the times Stevie cried herself to sleep, or how she journalled for hours begging God and the universe to let her move on.  She was fragile but acted strong.  She put on a smile as a mask.  When she saw the date today, it all came rushing back to her.  She told her assistant, Karen, to make excuses to her band mates.  She'd meet them in the next city.

The limo was cool and dark, and its movement was soothing.  Stevie let the tears freely roll down her cheeks as she zoned out, allowing her sight to blur on the white line that marked the highway's outer edge. 

*This is the very first fanfic I've ever written..