I woke up on a bright and sunny Thursday morning. It was mid fall so when I peaked out my window i saw the beautiful sight of the warm colored leaves and felt the cool air through the window. I walk into the bathroom and look in the mirror, my green eyes looking back at me. I ran my fingers through my brown hair and looked at my phone. My stomach dropped as i saw the date. I tried to bite back the feeling that this day gave me but I couldn't, I began to cry softly. The feeling was so overwhelming, the feeling of loss, and fear. The thought of that day made me want to jump off a cliff. It's been 5 fucking years and i still cant think of it without breaking down. I get up and wash my tear stained face and slowly step into the shower. The feeling of the warm water upon my skin stung at first but i got slowly became comfortable. I wrap my lower half in a towel and walked into my room and put a clean button up and nice dress pants and grabbed my work bag as i put on my shoes and left for work. My mind raced with thoughts and feelings as i drove to my office, i sped up a bit getting lost within my thoughts and suddenly get torn away from my thoughts as i see the flicker of red and blue lights. "Fuck" I whisper to my self as i pull over and getting my papers ready to give to the officer. He walks up to my window with a stern look upon his aged face "license and registration" the officer says in a deep stern tone "here you go sir" i say back with a smirk on my face "boy you better wipe that smile off you're face before i do." He says with that stern face slowly Turing into a smile but not of kindness but of pridefulness and power. That's what whipped the smile off my face, knowing this old cop finds happiness from the weakness of others. He gave me one hell of a ticket for going 5 over. I look at him with a shock expression "$500!, i have a clean record!!!" "But ur a smartass aren't ya boy." I look down at my lap while he walks away. The cops around here treat no one around here with respect, no matter what u look like they are assholes. I drive off and head to work. I walk in and everyone is also down in the dumps. Everyone also looked at me and became even more sad. I over hear my co workers talking. " it hits Alex the hardest" "yeah i can't imagine what he goes through everyday knowing that they-" i walk by them before they can finish. I sit at my desk and start working. Its the only thing that helps me clear my brain, That's why when our boss retired i got the job. Cause all i do is work work work, especially when im having a bad day like today. I was the last one out and i glance at the clock. The clock reads 11:30 and i get up and get ready to head home. The feeling comes over me again and i take a left towards down town. I park in-front of the best bar in town. I walk in and order a double of whiskey, I take a long drink the amber colored liquid as it burns my throat. I finish the drink in one gulp and order another. The bartender cut me off after 4 which upset drunken me so i decided to go home. I stumbled to my car fumbling for my keys. I find them and get into the car. I end up falling asleep in the front seat and start to dream. *IN THE DREAM* " Alex get back here" a women voice laughed. I turn around "come and get me cam" i smile as the tall women runs towards me. I bring her into a hug and look down into her ice blue eyes and smile as i push her long dyed hair away from her face. " i miss looking into you're eyes." I say. She smiles at me and says almost in a whisper " I've missed you" i hug her tight and let go. " I've always wanted to do this." I say as i lean down-. I wake up with tears running down my face. I wipe them from my face as the bright sunlight smiles back at me. I groan and rub my eyes and grab the bottle of water from my work bag. I drink half the bottle and lean my head back. I look at my watch to see its 6:26 AM, I start my car and car drive home. On the way there i called into work sick so I could rest. I get closer to my house and my car starts to slow down, then i see it. "I FUCKING FORGOT TO GET GAS!!! YOU'VE GOTTA BE KIDDING ME." I make it to my neighbors. "Hey I'm sorry to bother u guys, but i ran outta gas do u have any." The old couple laughs as the man leads me to the garage. "Here you go" " thank you so much". The man nods at me and i start to walk to my car. It had just enough to bring me home, i pull in and take the keys outta the car and walk into my very empty home. My house lack the feeling of a home the love, happiness, Fulfillment. I walked up stairs and took off my work clothes. I layed in my thinking My life is so simple and boring i start to realize. 7 days a week, 10 hours a day, i work and i mean i work hard. I get some major holidays off like Christmas and shit but still. I'm 23, i was supposed to be married with kids by now. I'm a failure and a nobody. Everyone just knows me as the sad guy that lost the most important thing to him. God I'm Pathetic. As i sit down on the couch i almost feel as the world around me is falling apart once again. I thought i was over it, I've been to 3 years of therapy. The world feels as if its never truly in my favor.. as if I'm alone is some sort of fever dream, it's the worst feeling I've ever felt. I look at the TV and see the news is on. "Today marks 5 years since Cameron gray went missing walking home from her senior prom, the young girl is described as about 5'9, bright blue eyes, dark back hair and about 105 pounds. She would be 23 now..... and if you know anything about Camerons location please call 911 or go to ur local police station." I turn off the tv slowly starting to feel myself sinking into the feeling of nothingness. The feeling I felt when i found out she didn't come that night.. how guilty I felt for not being there to protect her, to save her and now shes gone.. i fucking hate this world.. "I FUCKING HATE THIS WORLD, ALL I WANT IS TO KNOW SHES OKAY!" I fall to the ground sobbing, shaking , my breathing starts to get Heavy and fast my lungs feel as they are crushing in within themselves. I let out a scream, it shook the room with a feeling of pain that I couldn't describe if i tried . I was hugging my legs on the ground the pain was only getting worse the screams were only getting louder. I couldn't hear the banging at the door over my thoughts and sobs. I did hear a loud bang and a figure running towards me asking if I'm okay.
