| white wolf | N.R

╠ part 21 ╣ the notebook

y/n's pov

- TW: selfharm -

i was exhausted from today, so i lay on the floor and looked up at the pale coloured ceiling. i quietly made my way downstairs and got a knife from the drawer and rushed back upstairs, shutting the door behind me. i took rolled up the sleeve of my hoodie and hovered my arm over the sink to prevent causing a mess. i look at my old scars and the ones caused from the other day. contemplating whether to leave them or not. not long after im watching as the blade sliced against my skin, the red blood dripping down my arm and down the sink plug. each time i set the blade onto my arm i pressed it a little deeper. by the time i'd finished the sink was now stained with my blood, as was the knife. i washed the sink and cleaned the knife, i also switched hoodies because the one i was wearing was currently wet from blood. i sat down on the floor and checked my phone, it displayed 3 new messages from unknown number 5 minutes ago.

(screenshot is edited by me. please don't attempt to call number, as it's fake)

i switched off my phone and searched for my notebook. usually people use a notebook (or as some call it a diary) to write down their personal experiences, which i do sometimes but if i often use my notebook or for song lyrics. yes i write song lyrics, sounds stupid i know but it's something i've always enjoyed doing. it allows me to express myself through a different form of communication instead of actions. i also do a lot of sketching as well, some worse than others. i feel drawing is a place i can go when i feel overwhelmed or sad or even happy. to just mindfully draw whatever comes to mind. i sat down and drew for a bit, but my so called 'doodle' had turned into 2 whole artworks by the time i was finished.

(pictures can be disturbing or triggering for some viewers- all credits go to original artists)

once i'd finished i pinned them up on the wall just next to my bed. i've been told that a lot of my drawings can be labelled as "depressing and disturbing" but i enjoy art as it's the only thing no one can judge me on. so that's why i just keep my drawings to myself. i'm quite a private person so not many know i do sketches or write songs. for about the next 10-15 minutes i finished off some lyrics i wrote from the other day and put it all together.

lyrics

i had a dream.
i got everything i wanted.
not what you'd think.
and if i'm being honest.
it might've been a nightmare.
to anyone who might care.
thought i could fly.
so i stepped off the golden.
nobody cried.
nobody even noticed.
i saw them standing right there.
kinda thought they might care.
i had a dream,
i got everything i wanted.
but when i wake up, i see.
you with me.

i continued to quietly hum the lyrics. with my eyes closed, bluetooth speaker playing the backing track I made earlier.

wanda's pov

maria, pietro, bucky, sam and i had agreed to go over to nats room to hang out for a while and prepare ourselves for the upcoming party. we were just playing some games like monopoly, truth or dare etc when we heard singing. it was coming from the room next to nat's which i believe, belonged to white wolf. we were listening as she quietly sung the song with the music in the background. the boys were just drooling over the sound of her voice. but the girls and i were more focused on paying close attention to the lyrics.

(when it's at italics and bold, it means that they're not paying much attention)

and you say, "as long as i'm here.
no one can hurt you.
don't wanna lie here.
byt you can learn to.

"she's a great signer" buck commented

"holy shit yeah her voice is amazing" Sam added.

if i could change.
the way that you see yourself.
you wouldn't wonder why you hear.
they don't deserve you.

pietro nodded in agreement, "i see why you like her nat"

i tried to scream.
but my head was underwater.
they called me weak.
like i'm not just somebody's daughter.

nat and i looked at each other as she was singing the lyrics. we clocked that she was clearly dealing with something..i thought.

coulda been a nightmare.
but it felt like they were right there.
and it feels like yesterday was a year ago.
but i don't wanna let anybody know.
'cause everybody wants something from me now.
and i don't wanna let 'em down.

"something is obviously bothering her..." natasha whispered to me

"yeah, somethings going on" maria added.

it was silent for a second before i suggested, "maybe after the party we should check up on her"

"yeah.." nat nodded.

- a/n: im sorry that this part is so short and boring, i'll try and upload another later today! - val