Crossing the odds

Raman

Ishita is taking her pen out and a gut feeling rises in Raman. He is not sure of this. This whole thing of hiding and lying to her. He excused himself and stormed out of the room leaving a bewildered Ishita. He drove off to his sanctuary at the end of the city. There is a small lake behind woods which many Delhites do not know about. He discovered this place when he was studying and this is the place he use to get his thoughts in order when life becomes overwhelming.

Raman sat on the side of the lake with his legs dangling in the water. His mind is mess and he did not even know what he want to think. Taking a deep breath, he started retrospection of  his life after Ishita joined. He does have few regrets but life is tolerable and slowly became content. That's the whole thing he wanted from life, peace and content. His business is flourishing, his wife is independent and loving, his parents are happy, siblings are settling down and his children, a small smile formed on his face remembering his two cutipies. Well, they are having their normal childhood. What else does he need in his life now? Nothing right? But there came this whole baby thing. He remember Ishita saying she is content and tearing of the papers he gifted her on their anniversary. But somehow everything turned around and they were expecting a baby. He sighed remembering the horrific bus accident which put every single member of the family in danger.

Luckily, they escaped but they lost their hopes and baby. He was devastated knowing he again failed to protect his offspring. He did not discuss with anyone but he longed to give his children a peaceful and joyous childhood. He failed with his two children. His disastrous first marriage, he running away from Ru, Adi hating him and almost turning into criminal stayed in his mind. So he wanted this baby to come around and wished he undo the wrongs and blunders he did with the elder children. He wanted to prove to himself he can be a good father. A drive to prove to himself he can be better father made him go crazy for the arrival of this child. But then again, he lost at it. He couldn't protect the baby and they lost him. A single lone tear escaped from his eye.

He remembered that day at the hospital when Ishita went hysterical thinking Ru or Adi was not safe. He has seen the play of emotions on her face. Sheer panic to relief having them fine and fit and then realization and the brokenness on her face. She did not speak of it later. She behaved as nothing happened. And it did break him more. How can she be normal when they lost their baby. He felt she is shielding him from her hurt. But then she again and again reiterated she is fine and she have her both children safe and sound. His gut feeling did not let him rest. He felt she is hiding from him because she did not feel him worthy enough to mourn their baby, he couldn't protect him after all. He felt his insides churning at this thought. Does Ishita blame him? He can never take her disappointment in him and also he cannot stand if he falls in her eyes. She has always trusted him and held him in high esteem. No, he can never loose her. He then reminded himself that they should talk. Though her answers would break him, he owed to her not to hide himself from her, he will stand by that. A ghost of a smile appeared on his face thinking how closed people both of them are when it comes to talking to each other about their feelings.

His thoughts then wavered off to how she held herself strong even after the accident and a light bulb went off his head. Oh my God!!! His eyes widened when the realisation dawned. This baby is more precious to Ishita than him. She, always wanted children, tagged as barren, it always hurt her even after all these years. She, she just lost her craving to be a mother and she is hurt. God!!! What had I done? The hurt and stillness in Ishita is more than he carried. She being who she is, blames herself for not protecting her child. He slapped his forehead for being such a dimwit and letting her go through the pain and making her vulnerable to put up a façade because she can't talk to him with the state he is in and she won't talk to anyone other than him.

He rode back home to find she left to her clinic. Other pang on his heart. These days she left early and came back late often working on emergencies too much. It's her way of remaining sane. He damn know about it and he overlooked. He looked at his phone to see a meeting invite. He neglected his work with Mihir and Romi carrying it. But not anymore. Heck he need to be strong and not wallow in the guilt. Bygones are bygones he and Ishita will sort them out. World does not need to know their issues. He accepted it and rode back to office to be there just on time of meeting.