At 10, I lost the first man whom I loved the most.
And that made me look at my mother the most pitiful way I can. Thinking "Can she do it without him?", "How can she handle us?", "Will she be able to work and take care of us at the same time?".
She never had to work while my father is alive. So how can she do it now that she also need to take care of her three children?
We had everything back then but when we lost him that everything became nothing. We lost our house and had to live in a smaller one that we do not own.
To a simple minded girl who will only have a mother from that day forward, there will be no anesthesia for that kind of broken heart.
It seems like I lost a dream of having a whole family, a nice home and a brighter future.
Right there I thought of dreaming for a house, our own house growing up. Also a television and every appliances that we need so we never have to borrow.
At 11, life gets harder. We don't have electricity and water supply for a year. My mother used to ask for auntie's flat iron and paying to use the electricity so we can be presentable at school. We saw how she cries at night and pretended not to be in pain in the morning. She also need to borrow money to support us.
"A dressmaker does not earn much, so you study and find a good job."
That is her favorite line while reminding us to be better in school and graduate so we can have an easy life. But life's far from that.
From a bounty breakfast, lunch and dinner we need to settle for sardines and noodles that are actually affordable during that time. That was 20 years ago.
At 21, I am focused on making my mother proud. I graduated from a Pamantasan which she is also proud of.
Just when I thought that life would be better, I realized that reality is way harder.
You have to work your ass of so you can get the life that you want.
But also by then, I realized that my mother is God's way of telling me that women are clothed with strength and kindness and I should be one.
I promised them a nice home this is the number one listed on my bucket list.
A home that will be built with love and understanding. Also a life where my mother would never need to think of where to get our daily needs, where electricity and water bill wont be a problem.
That's how simple her wishes during my high school days, while we are eating a rice topped with sugar and while she's sipping on her black coffee.
Looking back, It was never easy. Some says that we are lucky for making things happen. But I always say that I never depended only on what so called "luck", you have to work for what you want. Work harder if you must.
At 30 with two little kiddos, I am still on the process of making my momma's little dreams come true. I know by now that I am raised in a family that women made it happen with or without a man. And I should never look down on her from the start, because yes I lost a father on an early age but most of the times, the best father is a mother.
I might be lucky for I've got one hardworking mother. My guardian, my path, my map, and my reminder that no matter what happen I need to do it because you'll never loose in trying.
A home is a mother.
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