heya, my name is emerald but you can call me emmie. of course this isn't my real name. I don't think i will put my name out on the internet for awhile.
This book is just gonna be me talking about things, you can obviously suggest topics and i'll probably talk abt them.
So the first thing i would like to talk about is a serious problem of mine. nothing serious like depression but still an issue. when i start writing a story or animate something or have a project i only update or continue it when i have interest in it. thats why most of my published books are discontinued. one of my now recent projects is persona r, a crossover between persona and rwby with no actual persona characters. which i have lost interest in. Or the bench trio x konosuba, one chapter, discontinued. I would love to say that i want to keep writing, and i do, but i know that i will disappoint the people who read my stories. i have a youtube channel where upload animations, but i have spread it out to more meme-ish content. besides, what i upload is policed by my parents, so can't get my thoughts on there like anyone else can. If i upload something too dark, my parents will scold me for not checking with them first. which is bad because i want to vent through my shitty drawings on the internet. im also too afraid to make an alt account. i dont know why, but i am. Another thing about this is school, i have to keep things about myself secret. like said youtube channel, or my soundcloud. because no one but one person likes me anyomore. because i made a joke about tiktok being cancer. or because two people were saying something like " X, you can sit on my lap" and so jokingly, (too my friend) said, "Oh yeah, X, sit on my face". someone heard and shouted about it in the middle of class and now people bug me about it. something else i also have to hide is my sexuality, I am a omnisexual cis male, and i have too hide it from my family. I can't hang up flags or hell even wear pink. the closest i've gotten to it, is a white polo shirt with a subtle rainbow coloured line on it. i call it 'the hidden gay'. When i discuss topics about sexuality and my friends, my dad believes that i (and my friends) are too young to be talking about this. My grandma is also a very homophobic christian and i live with her. One topic my mind wanders too is love, and if anyone will ever love me. I have put up a front of Bring really attracted to men and going 'ew women' when i see them, but i honestly love women, most of my 'crushes' have been women.and i say crushes like that because i relate to a few lines from "internet has ruined me";
'I have trouble speaking to women
unless they're 2d or high-definition'
because the girls in the real world, i don't like, i only have crushes on fictional characters, and if i ever find a real person attractive, they won't even like me back because I'm an ugly, begrudging, spiteful and downright horrible person. maybe I'm not horrible but most people hate me so that says something. Also, what i said earlier about most of my fictional crushes being women, yeah, there's only one fiction guy i find attract at the moment and that makes me question my sexuality further. it makes me feel like im lying to the myself and the people who I've said i am. I feel like im faking it and that im just some guy that likes one dude. another thing that makes me question myself is that my orientation keeps changing? first i was straight, then bi, then pan, now im omni. the fact it keeps changing makes me feel like a liar. There is no person that says everything is going to be alright, because bottle up my emotions. I genuinely cried at the video of master chief saying, "i'm proud of you son." because my parents, yes told me they loved me, but never that they were proud of me. a character that i didn't even know much about, beat my parents to saying that they were proud of me. My only comforters are music, comedy, and fanfictions.
ah fuck
i got myself in a bad mood again. i feel like cutting this off now because fanfictions are just a whole other can of worms.
youre cool, but i think you dont need some unfunny dick on the internet to tell you that.
in all honesty, i think i may be blowing this out of proportion but it's nice to put my feelings out there.
yours sincerely,
-Emerald
"I have trouble speaking to women unless they're 2-d or high-defenition,
spend all my time on social media, this is the state that i'm in"
"If she can't handle me at my worst,
she don't deserve my mental baggage."
"Your city gave me asthma,
that's why I'm fucking leaving,
And your water gave me cancer,
and the pavement hurt my feelings"
-Wilbur soot (Internet has ruined me, Jubilee line)
the video that made me cry:
