Before I Open the Door and Leave You Alone

My Parting Gift

Confession

I've invested myself in many things. Investing myself into your being was one of the greatest investments I've ever made. Investing my feelings and emotions into you was never a mistake. I love you. In many of my investments, they've returned and given me dividends. But not all of them gave the number of dividends I had hoped for. Were you one of them? I thought so. At least until I inspected and analyzed you and ultimately myself. Experience. The greatest teacher. I invested my feelings into you expecting a compounding return. I've gained more than that. Experience and life. Isn't life just so surprising?

Loving you entails many challenges.

I'm fascinated, however... Did you pour out even an ounce of yourself into me? Is there even a pinch of your emotion and feeling sprinkled in me? As a person I've returned your presence in my life by a significant margin, I hope. But life isn't about "give and take", is it? I would like you to answer my inquiry, would you like to withdraw your emotions and thoughts from me? No return, or would you like us to invest in each other with the same valuations of each other? Every company's return rates and dividends vary, but when investors invest, should you not give them back for believing in you? Appreciation is the least they could do. Life isn't a business, but there are many unspoken rules and values in life.

My love for you bloomed like compounding interest. The flower of love. I invested in a rose, in hopes I would be returned with love. Like any other rose, beauty has its thorns. I could not foresee the treacherous path of loving someone. My expectations for you were too high for you and me. Even though it was crystal clear that you did not love me back. Shall our existence still live on within one another? Or shall we force ourselves to be roses? We are not roses. We aren't alike those folktales and fairy tales. We are our own story. Lycoris Radiata, symbolizing final goodbyes and parting ways. To guide the dead to the afterlife. The flower of the equinox. Lycoris albiflora, symbolizing purity and chastity. A pure-hearted lunar flower. Shall we co-exist and dance once more in the autumn wind?

I don't understand emotions that well. I'm heartless, remember? I do understand something crystal clear though. The feelings I harbor for you are Honest. Confusing. Sincere. There is no obligation for you to return such confusing emotions I harbor for you.

Would you like to go through this life with me as each other's support system?

Would you still like to remember me?

Would I still love to remember you?

To the woman, I treat like a queen hoping to be treated like a king.

I'm sorry I fell in love with you. I'm sorry for bringing feelings into the equation. I beg and grovel for your forgiveness.

Do you still wish our two kingdoms to be a joint alliance after hearing all this? Or will we experience separation?

You attract what you fear. My fear is you. I'm fearful of you. Life is not a magnet. I've given up many of my potential growth spurts due to my fears ruling over me. I won't let my fears rule over me and us. I will face you head-on. Will you face me head-on?

-Someone you know-

Would you still like to fill in the gaps which connected us once more?

"I love you"

"I confess. I wish to profess my emotions and feelings regarding your existence. To progress my life. Without you. An aspiration. I cannot reach it. Confined in. My dreams. Denying reality. Unwilling to accept reality. My world without you. Dreams. Nightmares. I live in. My wish. To escape. Erase. You. From. Me. Encountering you. A miracle. To forsake you. A miracle. I must evoke. I tremble. "