Cursed

As I lay, shaking my legs while this gut wrenching was overwhelming me once again in  this office I hated with a person I hated, but in time this office has become safe. This is the sixth time recalling the same dream, being covered in blood after I’ve slaughtered multiple people. I lay there recalling with tears in my eyes speaking these words once more to my therapist Marcus. Marcus kept shifting in his chair, even though I’ve spoken these words dozens he’s unable to meet my eye. I’ve learned a lot in the months of being in therapy, I was relunted in the beginning, but once my dreams became worse and blacks out more frequent I knew I didn’t have much of a choice. My best friend, Tris didn’t give me much choice, she said I either go to therapy or she puts me in a ward for carzies.

    My first black out was two years ago, I lost six hours worth of time and woke up in an area of the city I'd never been to. The last thing I remember about that day was seeing a news report on the t.v of another child predator being let go due to lack of evidence, I had a flashback to my childhood, a stepfather who couldn’t keep his hands to himself and a mother who didn’t         care and left bruises on me when she was feeling down about herself. I felt a rush of anger flow through me, next thing I knew I was in a completely different location. I was wearing different clothing, instead of my jeans and t-shirt I was wearing a black tank top and cargo pants with what seemed to be stains on them. My long blonde hair was no longer flowing around my shoulders, but put up into a ponytail and I was carrying a black leather bag. I was too shaken to open it, I scanned the area around me to see what I could do with it, luckily there was a shimmering lake not far from where I was standing. Starring back down at my hands I noticed I was wearing black leather gloves as well, panic struck me now wondering what I’ve done. I glanced at the time it’s 4:30am.

“Holy shit.” I whispered.
  
    I clutched my chest as it burned I felt like I couldn’t catch my breath, no not an anxiety attack not now. I needed to figure out where I’m at and how the fuck I’m going to get home, I slowly begin steady strides and notice I’m no longer wearing tennis, but black lace up boots. As I started along I noticed older abandoned trailers and buildings, nothing like what’s in my town.

“You’re thinking about the first time again, aren’t you.” Marcus’s voice interrupted my thoughts, more of a statement than question.
“ Yes, actually.”   Still shaken from remembering the bits and pieces from my first black out.
“Have you remembered anything else, more of your surroundings? Any smells make anything come back? “ Marcus’s voice was trailing off as I tried to recall more off the first night.
“ The other day..” I was struggling to speak these words for more was coming back in flashes now, my heart racing in my chest. I couldn’t breath, my palms sweaty, a ringing in my head, I couldn’t focus any longer I fainted.
“Meg.. Meg!” Marcus’s voice was distant, but loud and repetitive. The room blurred into focus, Marcus had opened his windows in attempt to bring fresh air into his stuffy office so I’d come to faster. Waiting on his desk was my favorite treat, a double chocolate chip muffin and a cup of coffee just the way I prefer, light cream and two sugars, how he knew any of this was beyond me. Come to think of it what don’t I say in this room, I tell which exprences I think might bring me closer to finding out what sort of activities I’m partaking in while I’m having a blackout. Definitely not a wise decision for many,but I will not stop until I find out why. Whichever the reason I may be experiencing them I will accept, but this may be a long and dangerous road for me and those who chose to stay by my side.