Always Want What You Can't Have

One- Heartbreak

There I sat crying on the floor of his room for the last time, potentially the last time I'd ever be in here. I knew he'd be angry with what I had to say, not because anything bad had happened but because he'd be overrun with so much emotion he wouldn't know how to react. I knew once he heard what I had to say he'd be upset, understanding but upset. As I sat there thinking about what to say -I must've changed my mind about a million times- I heard a girl laughing coming closer to the room, I knew it wasn't one of his sister's but I figured it might've been a friend of one of them. Or at least that was until I heard the door open.

"No but it's actually going to be the best," I heard her say as she entered, "it's gonna be awesome, I mean you only turn 21 once," I heard a guy say. They still hadn't seen me. "Yeah I guess, just wish my family could be here for it," he said. I was here for it, I know I'm not one of his sister's but we're still family.

"Who is that?" The girl asked, I looked up and turned around so I was facing them. It was pretty obvious I had been crying -that I still was crying- but they didn't say anything. "What are you doing here?" He asked concerned, I didn't want to tell him in front of them but I knew I didn't have much of a choice.

"Um, I need to tell you something," I said, my voice shaking as I stood up. I can't even look him in the face, knowing what I have to say is hard enough but knowing I have to say it in front of his friends, my anxiety really stepped in. It was just days ago I had been filled with utter excitement finding out I got my dream job, that I was going home. I mean don't get me wrong, I already have an amazing job that I loved but it wasn't what I wanted to do with my life, not now, not ever. I knew now was the right time to chase my dreams, go home, live the life I was supposed to live before everything changed, before I came here, before I became miserable with my life, before there was only a glimmer of hope, that I could really do something and be someone that I was content with. Not worry about what everything else in my life thought, especially my family. I know I can't change the past, I only dream of it every night. I only think about what could've been if I stayed where I was if she didn't exist if my family was complete. But then I remember if that happened I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't know him and I don't know if I could live in a world without him.

"K?" I snapped back into reality, I didn't know how to start or what I was going to say, I just knew it wasn't going to end well for either of us. "So, I applied for a job" I started then stopped. This was going to be the hardest part, knowing I had to tell him I was leaving. "Ok?" "when I applied it was more to see if I could get it, I never thought that they'd actually want to hire me" I start crying again -for the millionth time that day- "so?" Even though I've been trying to find a way to tell him for days, I still have no idea how. I knew when I told him he would have the same face he had when he found out about my past. It was hard enough to see that face when I barely knew him but now, he was going to be shattered, so was i. "Well the job is back home" I finally got the words together in one sentence, "you're coming back here?" I took a deep breath "no, home, home" I replied. I couldn't look at him when I told him I saw his friends exit his room -I see they finally learned that this was not the best time for them to talk about his birthday- I looked up for half a second and then broke down. I was leaving, I was actually leaving. I had been talking about it for years, but now that it was happening, I didn't know if I'd be able to go through with it. "What do you mean home, home?" I could tell it was starting to click in his head what I meant "I mean I got my dream job, I'm going back to where it all started."

                                               January 2007

I remember it like it was yesterday, it was summer, I had just completed my first year of school. I hated being at home, I'd always escape to my neighbour's house, we'd do everything together. On this particular day, we decided to go exploring. Eventually, we made our way to the oval and basketball courts. When we usually went after school, there weren't many people around. This afternoon however there were lots of people, most of them were gathered watching the oval. I realised they were watching the footy players train, it was my favourite team, I'd always watch the games and sometimes even go to them with my neighbour and his family. They really were family to me, leaving them was one of the hardest things I've had to do -and that is saying a lot- the joy that I'd get out of going to the games and pretending for once in my life I had a family, that there were people who loved and cared about me. It became my escape. Apart from school, I spent the majority of my time going to watch the training, the worst part was when the footy season finished and there was the wait until pre-season. This summer was when I truly fell in love with the sport. I knew one day I would have found my way back here. And here I am 14 years later, about to start my new job at this footy club.

"Why? Why do you-" he starters but I cut him off before he could finish "Just I need to, you should know that better than anyone" I tried to remain calm, I knew he was about to start yelling "But you don't need to that's the thing, you have everything you need here, you have a job, your family's here, I'm-" and here come the waterworks -again- "I know that '' I cut him off again.

"But I didn't have to stay here after graduation, I wanted to go home and you knew that, but I stayed and now that we're graduating soon, what's keeping me here. Nothing is keeping me here, I didn't even want to come here, I was forced to and now that I've almost finished school, now that I'm an adult, I don't need to stay here and I don't want to."

"Well if there's nothing keeping you here you may as well leave" he points to the door, I'm not mad at him and I know he's not mad at me but I know I have to leave, no matter how much it hurts either of us.

I left, he needed time and I understood that. I went downstairs knowing his parents were there, I had told them earlier in the day. They were my family, they were always there for me when my real family wasn't. They always made me feel good about myself, they always had my best interest at heart. I knew they'd be there for me after I told him. I walked down the stairs and saw his mum sitting on the couch, she heard me coming and looked up. "I told him '' I whimpered, she looked at me and that's when I knew that he might never forgive me.