listen before i go || 2CHAN

i'm not okay

Changbin looks down, the view from the top of the building being absolutely petrifying, but somehow giving him so much comfort. It feels as though his senses have heightened, the wind suddenly blowing so strong.

The sky is nearly jet black, stars staring back down at him with pity. He looks back down, this time at his own hands. He shakes them, trying to make sure this situation was real.

It felt somewhat faux, the way he could feel everything around him and the way the world looked from his perspective right now. His eyes would focus and unfocus, mind drifting away multiple times as he thought of what was going on.

Were these really going to be some of his last moments on Earth? It felt insane. Changbin couldn't believe the feeling, pinching his own arms to once again assure himself that this is real.

One foot steps off of the edge, and he can feel nothing but air beneath it. He inhales deeply, closing his eyes with a soft smile. This was it. He was finally getting the ending he had longed for, for many years.

He was going to miss everyone.

Bang Chan, his precious boyfriend. The man who was his only reason to the little happiness he had been gifted over the years.

He remembered their first meeting. It was practically unforgettable, a cliche meeting that swept them both off of their feet— quite literally. They had bumped into each-other like the main characters of a romance novel, and it was anything but love at first sight.

The day the finally started getting along, Changbin realized just bow fond he was of the older. His natural cuteness, his beautiful curls, his sweet, dimpled smile. There was nothing to dislike.

Chan was always there for him. He remembered how the older would cry with him, help him through all of his struggles.

Changbin knew Chan wouldn't take his death easily. Not after all they had been through together.

But that wouldn't stop him now.

Changbin snapped out of his thoughts, looking beneath him yet again. The drop was nearly impossible to survive. He would fall on top of a car, he noted with a grimace. He hopes it's a slow and painful death, one where he bleeds his life away, just as he deserves.

Changbin turns around with a sigh, ready to fall backwards and end it all. He would be leaving soon. Very soon. And then he fell.

A loud crash, and Changbin was back on the ground— but not the way one would hope.

Chan startled, a loud thudding noise interrupting him. He quickly leaves his car, mortified at the way his cars roof caved in.

He was even more mortified by what he saw on top of his car.

Changbin's unaware body, his hazy eyes and the dried tears on his skinny cheekbones. Chan practically screams, climbing on top of the car.

He doesn't notice the petrified stares from bypassers, focused on his poor, poor, boyfriend.

"Wake up, Changbin. Please. Please wake up, this isn't funny." He screams, over and over. But Changbin doesn't respond.

And soon, an ambulance is rushing towards them. He stays by Changbin's side the whole time, crying and yelling for him to wake up.

It's when they finally get to the hospital that Changbin is announced dead, time of death: 10:42PM. Chan falls to the floor, defeated. He's on his knees, begging the doctor to please, save his precious boyfriend.

His friends arrive shortly after, crying and apologizing. Saying their last goodbyes to Changbin's unresponsive body.

Jisung agrees to drive Chan home, convinced that the older is in no state to drive. The ride is quiet, and Chan had stopped crying, in shock.

When Chan gets home, he begs Jisung to stay overnight. Jisung, of course, agrees.

Upon entering his bedroom, he finds a note on his desk. He doesn't bother asking Jisung to come in when he reads the first few words.

"Dear, Bang Chan."

It reads on the front of the envelope. With a gulp, Chan opens it.

"Hi, Chan. If you're seeing this, it means I'm gone now, right? I'm sorry it had to end this way, but not sorry enough to regret it. It was all too much for me. I know you think I'm mentally strong and capable, but I'm not. You were the only light of my life. You were the only reason I got up each day. But it wasn't enough. I felt so scattered. I shouldn't live like that. I shouldn't live at all. I don't deserve life, and there was no other way out. I will miss you so much. I love you. You will always be my light.

From, Seo Changbin."

Chan sobs himself to sleep that night, crying and thrashing in his bed. But it warms his heart slightly, to think that Changbin died the way he had longed for.

He watched the world as he passed, viewing the sky for the last time before he visited it.