My crying lovers heart

I was all over her

The only thing stoping me from looking at you was the teacher. She was determined for me to concentrate in class. Eyes rolling back to you anyway, it still hurtes they way you let me look at you and your lover holding hands under your school desk. Placed together by the teachers. But that was before you fell in love, before your decision to leave me behind.

Remember when we used to have sleep overs and you let me hold your warm hand because my hand were always so cold. When I asked you if you wanted to hang after school and your answer wasn't that he was going home whit you. I surely remember that but do you?
You seemed like you have forgotten about it, about us...

I was passing post-it note to you whit question on them. You answered them whit a joke or a short answer never serious, you were never serious not even in serious conversations. I told you something bad once about something I hade done, done to my self. In class one day i took my left hand by the thumb I hade taken a metal blade and pressed it agains my body. Blood hade begun to flow down but at that moment you busy. You were looking and talking to him and when you finally saw me it was to late but anyway you told me to stop. Thank you but no... it didn't stop here I did more and more sad and bad things to myself.
Who was I to be loved, whom was I to be deserving of your special love, your love was perfect and i not the same.

Why was some one so much worse than me chosen to love you? My love, I asked you something between lessons once.
It went like this: If me and him was in a deadly situation who would so save? It took you a while to answer that was what made me scared. You shouldn't hade to think. Sure you said my name but your voice was uncertain and you probably said me because it was you and me in the room and not you and him.

It never stops this feeling. More than often my heart have being to cry, I know you can heal my heart but what's is the meaning of that if your going to tear it up again I asked myself as usual. My breathing begun to go faster, everything spinning and at the same time everything around me what's so loud. Why is everybody screaming, STOP!

I looked it up of Wikipedia it read out whit capital letters. Anxiety attacks i wanting to stop breathing but I really couldn't cause who would love you whit such passion as I if I was gone, not him be could never feel like I feel for you. Walking into the bathroom not to use but to sit on the floor and cry between lessons while you were whit the others. More than one you asked me why I didn't eat today... I didn't answer I never answered it would hurt you to much to know. Such a clean and beautiful girl you shouldn't know that I do at night. And still i see that I want  to live and to feel you down.

I tried not to look down your low t-shirt, your very beautiful. Every part of you was made for something  delicate and important. Later that day my friend showed my a picture of you and him holding hands in his bed. What I didn't know  if it was a before or after picture. What was I thinking you don't even know about ANYTHING. What will you say? That it's is a phase that I'm feelings are temporary and his are not. The day you will break his heart I will cry of happiness nothing could make me happier then us happy together. Us holding hands just as before, before you felt a distance between us when resting your head on my shoulder while he was looking wasn't weird and wrong.

How did such good friends become such confused children?

Me and him used to be friends, me and your now lover. He was funny but I was sad so I didn't laughs I just tell him things they used to make me smile.  We talk about bad stuff, stuff that you covers your ears not to hear. Naked body's, sex and pornography. We're children whit destructive adult brains stuck in our thin and long body's. That is what I saw us 2 like. Once he should me his " secret" part of his phone mostly girls whit no clothes on it reminded of you som how.  But you wasn't a grown woman on the internet showing of to him. No, you were his lover, and you were a child whit a children's brain and body, and that is what he didn't understand. He affected you in some way. Day after day you knew more than before. I wounded what he told you...

To my  love i told you why I didn't eat today. HURAY! I guess,
this thing that is
dragging me around makes me sick to my core so sick that the food that was one was there it is not anymore. While my music is playing from my phone in the bathroom your standing outside of the door not hearing anything. If I slim down this body will you love me? If  I looked different would you see what you was missing! My body sticks your at Many different points, when I told you I wanted to be "skinny" you said just train my body, be strong not to starve myself.
My love, just be quite for a while so my head can think clear.
I know your muscular and you talk about you training often and other things. But I'm suffering see what happens if you listen to them talk about you in that way. Your immune to those comments, you love yourself, please never lose that.
But Someday I hope you will understand... and then you'll cry whit me.

One eye crying the other staring at you...

Don't tell me your getting bored of me? Was I not fun enough for you? I entertained you even when the smiles on my face wasn't true anymore. Will he entertain you I such a way that you'll never leave him, looks like it. When we causally walk around In school together he always finds a way back to you. You smile like you never smiled at me whit love written all over your face. Measuring your hand size by holding for palms together. We did that first pressing remember? He sat next to us looked at us ding it and wanted to try whit you. I Looked at you expressing  love to each other.