One Night

Saying Goodbye

I felt my eyes open, but all I could see was darkness, making me question if I had really opened my eyes at all. I blinked a few times trying to feel the sensation then stood up slowly. My body felt light, like a slight nothingness, as if it wasn't a body at all. I looked around in complete darkness. No walls, no ground, nothing. I wasn't feared by this, it wasn't the kind of darkness you fear as a child when the lights go out, nor the chilling darkness you feel at night. Just darkness, complete nothingness, not evil or good. Just void that made me feel calm and a part of it.  Suddenly I heard a noise and then light shone through a door in the darkness, and it was time for me to go through it. I followed it and suddenly appeared inside what looked like a small little wooden cabin. It didn't feel cold or warm, just felt right all together. There were hard wooden floors, a fireplace and two wooden rocking chairs sitting comfortably, waiting for me and someone else.

I walked over to one of the rocking chairs and sat down and just as I sat down, a fire was lit inside of the fireplace. I looked over at it and thought to myself how strange it was that I wasn't surprised by it. Suddenly a noise came from behind me and I turned to see a woman walking into the cabin. She was an older woman, her hair just starting to grey and she wore clothes for bed. She walked over with wide eyes until she saw me, then a warm smile laid on her face and I quickly knew who she was and she meant the world to me.

She sat down in the rocking chair across from me, and stared into me lovingly. "Mom, I'm so happy to see you," I beamed calmly.

"I'm happy to see you too. I was so scared I would
never see you again," she said, her voice sounding breathy. She was my mom, I knew that somehow and somehow I knew it was my time to come to peace with her. "I wish I could hold you," she said looking down at her slightly wrinkled hands. "You will be able to again someday," I assured her. "I'm so sorry for what I've done, I made so many mistakes and look what's happened."

She shook her head, her eyes becoming glossy. "No, you shush. That's in the past now. We're here to make it right. I forgive you," she said, tears escaping her eyes. It was silent for a moment, I could hear the fire crackle and burn beside us but could not feel the warmth from it. She looked around with her eyes then breathed deeply and broke the silence. "I've been here before." She paused, "yes, I came here when your father was taken by the same mistakes as you. I forgave him then  just as I have forgiven you." She went on, "when I woke up the next morning I didn't remember any of it. I suppose that is what will happen again after I say goodbye to you," she sighed. "Drugs are a terrible thing."

I nodded, feeling my insides tie in knots knowing this will be the last time I see my mom until it is her time. "Ma, this isn't goodbye forever, we'll be together again."

Tears streamed down her face as she trembled softly. "I don't want to forget this though, I want to wake up tomorrow and remember seeing you, my baby," she sobbed.

"Please don't cry," I told her. "Everything will be okay, you'll remember in your heart. This will give us peace."

Her crying began to quiet down and it took a moment for her to gather herself back again. Finally she stopped completely, and looked at me tilting her head a bit and then smiled slightly.

"It will be okay," she nodded. "I love you so much my baby, but even though I'm going to miss you more than anything, you are right, everything will be okay."
I smiled, feeling as if a weight was lifted from my heart. "Good."
Suddenly she disappeared, and I was once again alone in the dark cabin with the fire roaring. I waited a long moment to see who would come next, not sure if I remembered anyone from my life, or anything.

Finally a young boy appeared into the cabin, he was about 5 years old and was wearing Toy Story Pajamas. I instantly knew who he was. "Jeremiah," I whispered. He looked at me and his eyes widened with delight as he leaped forward to hug me. I instantly stopped him. "No you can't touch me," I said quickly. "Why not daddy?" He asked. I felt my throat begin to choke up, wishing I could hold him more than anything. "Because you can't, if you did you would have to stay here with me forever, and we can't have that because you have to be with mommy and grandma, and all your friends."
He looked at me with those sad blue eyes that he got from his momma, making me think of her and who she was and it made my heart skip a beat trying to remember.

He sat down in the rocking chair across from me. It made me smile just looking at him and seeing how much he looked like me when I was a child. With his orangy red hair and light fair skin with slight freckles on his nose. It made me remember the moment I first held him in my arms. How perfect and small he was, and how full of love and happiness I felt to have him and be sitting next to the woman I love. We were the perfect small family, nothing could ruin it for us. Until my life spinned out of control and now here I am, taken by my own desires and demons.

"Mommy said I wasn't going to see you again for a very long time," Jeremiah explained. My heart sank deep within my stomach at the thought. I looked down, "you won't be after this, my son," I stated. He looked at me confused. "Why?"
I sighed deeply then looked into his eyes,
"because I made a very bad decision, so now I have to go for a very long time, but you'll see me again. I promise."
He frowned, "But I don't want you to go for a long time daddy. I want you to stay with me and mommy." He said,  beginning to cry. My eyes filled with tears and I couldn't stop myself from crying as well. "Listen to me Jeremiah," I said. "You need to be strong for you and mommy, everything will be okay. You, me, and mommy will be together again, okay?" I said, trying to wipe my tears away. He breathed heavily,  still crying but managed to nod. "Okay, daddy."

I smiled sadly at him. "You are going to grow up and live a long and happy life, please don't make the same mistakes I did," I said. He looked at me with those glossy blue eyes. "I won't."
Then it felt as if another large weight was lifted from my heart. "I love you so much, Jeremiah," I told him.
"I love you too, daddy." Then suddenly he disappeared. 

I sat alone in the cabin once more, longing for the next time I would be able to see my son again. Then I thought about who was coming next, remembering the thought of my wife and trying to remember more of her. Flashbacks began coming back to me of her, and I remembered. We met when we were both very young and fell in love almost instantly, intertwined with each other as if we were meant for each other and no one else. I remembered the first time seeing her, she sat in the park alone with the sun shining against her blonde hair, reading a book. And when her beautiful blue eyes met mine, I knew I would spend the rest of my life with her. Just like that, nothing could tear us apart. We belonged together. I knew that, I always have.

Suddenly I heard someone come into the cabin, I turned around and there she was. Just as fast as I looked at her, I stood up and she ran into my arms.