Chapters of thoughts

November 2021

Learning, thoughts

Iv been thinking alott about dancing at the moment. I'm not even sure if it's what I want to do anymore. When I was first going into year 7, i was this little girl with a big imagination. I always thought life would be so great and i would have no worries in the world. I thought I'd become this great dancer and do gigs every now and then. But she didnt know the reality of dance, about favourites how shit it is about bodys and how you look. How the money isnt ever good enough to sufficiently keep you happy. I want more now that I know dance isnt this big world of perfect jobs like disney princesses. Yes it was a gift that I chose this path and got invited into aKrobatiKa and got to do heaps of gigs but I honestly dont know what I want anymore. Theres girls at dance that dont make me, or anybody really, happy. It just sucks. Do I want to become a dancer? It's just such a big step to be dancing for 11 years, dedicating everyday to dance and working so hard then suddenly deciding I need more. I want to make an impact on the world. Not just be a little fragment of a memory of when a little girl got ot meet a Disney princess at disneyland. No I want to be somebodys comfort character, I want to have enough money and freedom and speech to be able to make a difference in this world for the better. I want boys and girls to look up to me. I want to be able to go walk in the street and hear people talking about me and wanting photos. I dont just want fame and money, god that's not even half of a main reason why I want to be bigger, I want to remembered. I want to just help people. I want to be able to be in movies or shows that people LOVE, I want them to feel better because they got to meet me, Madison Barkley.

Lost

I just read messages from my ex bestfriend skye. God I was so toxic. I honestly dont know how she stood me. I apologized a few months ago and gave her the offer to be friends again. I really want her back but it's her decision to come back because it was her decision to leave. I just feel.... lost? It's been at least a year without her and it's not the same anymore. I keep finding songs from when we were friends, when dracotok was around and harry potter had that buzz about it. I got introduced to shifting by her and it rocked my world. I still havent shifted unfortunately yet. I just miss her. I know I probably shouldn't but I do. I can't keep coming back to this headspace though, its challenging because that's a friendship that most likely wont come back. There was a video of her talking to me on the messages and oh my god it broke my heart. She was laughing in it and i just remember the way that we could talk for hours. I'm about to cry now haha. The thing is, is that she wasnt toxic. I was, although I never knew it I was the toxic one that broke the friendship. As much as I want to blame others I wasnt a good person last year. But now I feel lost, I dont have somebody to call a 'bestfriend' and honestly it's the worst feeling. I just feel like the floater friend. I have a friendgroup but its comprised of bestfriends. Hannah and issy, harmony and Mia, emilia has her closer friends in other classes and sav... god I feel bad for sav I think she might be a floater to. I can tell that sav isnt in a very good headspace at the moment and I just want to help. I dont want her or anybody to feel sad. God I hate friendships and how easily they can break.