Lost in my fear

We all fear that day. That day, when we must say our final goodbyes to someone we so greatly love. We fear the moment we hear about their departure. We fear the morning after when we have to wake up and remember all over again. A fear none of us can avoid in this short life.

I woke up this morning, like any other, feeling tired and hungry for those 5 minutes of extra sleep. Just like most of us, the first thing I do in the morning is that I grab my phone, that was charging next to my bed. I sigh. Nothing out of the ordinary once again. I always wake up, hoping for that 'Good morning' text from the one I covet the most. But no, this is just a regular morning. Or so I thought anyways.

I check through my socials, until i stumble upon my bestfriends message. It had been burried deep within other messages that were sent late last night. I open the message and read the sentence in confusion. 'I love you' it said. It didn't take long until i realized what it ment. And right after for some reason my eyes started burning with tears. I jump out of bed and run to the front door. I don't bother to put on any shoes, I just dash out the door my mind blank. My mom is in utter shock yelling after me more confused than ever. But i don't hear anything. I don't see anything through my tears either. I run as fast as my legs let me. At this moment all I can think about is ' I hope i'm wrong'.

I finally get closer to her appartment building, until i see an ambulance rush past me. Unbelievable fear takes over me. All my body does is push forward as i'm running. I reach the street before her building. My heart sinks. I see the paramedics holding her liveless body. All kinds of thoughts and feelings hit me like bullet shot right through my chest. Suddenly I lose every bit of control over myself. I lose my balance. My legs betray me as I fall on my knees againts the concrete. Tears are streaming down my face so fast that seeing anything becomes nearly impossible. I cry loudly letting out the most agonizing screams I have ever screamed. Then everything blurs.

I wake up on the street. As I try to wake myself up, I remember. Pain and guilt rush over me stabbing my heart with sharp and steady strokes. The only thoughts that occur in my mind are: 'How could she do this? Do this to her family, classmates, and ME?' , 'It's my fault.'  and ' i miss her'. This has always been my worst fear. Even though whenever I was asked ' What is your biggest fear?', I'd always answer spiders or heights or some other garbage like that. But no. It was, and is now more than ever, this.

When I finally get up and stand on the street facing her appartment, i realize that everyone is gone. I walk towards the buildings front door and click the pincode to the door. I walk those four flights of stairs up to her appartment. The door is open, as if someone left in a hurry and forgot to close it. I make my way in tears getting the best of me, while I see old childhood pictures of her on the walls. It's so quiet. Too quiet. This appartment used to be so lively and full of noices and laughter. That was three moths ago. We started highscool in different schools. I can't tell you what or how, but something changed about her after that.

Three months ago, I was walking home after the most amazing first day ever. I call my best friend of course to fill her in all of the cool stuff that happened and all of the new people I met. She finally answered me and I could hear her voice was a bit down and nose was stuffy. I immediately asked her if she was okay. She responded saying that she was fine, and that she was just arguing with her mom again. Wich I believed of course. After that day she started to feel more and more distant. I told myself it's just normal for us to grow a little apart from each other, since both of us had new friends and studies we needed to focus on. We did talk ocasionally, but even then she only wanted to hear what I had been up to and avoided talking about her life. I didn't guess to think much of it at the time. It was only last moth I became a little worried over her. She'd go days without responding to my messages and calls. It got to the point where I had to go over to her place just to reach her. I remember when I saw her at the door and I wanted to scream at her face, but couldn't. She looked like death. Eye bags more noticable than ever, hair unwashed and dirty, and she looked as if she had lost a lot of weight as well. The only thing that gets past my lips is 'What the hell is going on with you?'. The response I got was not convincing at all. 'I'm fine, just tired from all the stress that I have been experiencing because of school'. We talked for a long time about everything. But no matter how long we talked, I still couldn't shake the feeling that she wasn't telling me everything. She explained why she hadn't  responded to my messages with a simple ' I was so busy and didn't notice, sorry.' She told me she was exhausted and feeling a bit depressed because of school, and all I did was tell her to not take too much pressure about school. I was an idiot.