I stare at the illuminated screen of my phone as the text comes through.
I need space, I'm sorry it's for the best
My eyes couldn't believe what they just read, I didn't want to believe that I had just read. I couldn't break my gaze from the screen no matter how hard I tried. That message, that was it, it was over, for good this time. Not even a single tear could fall from my eyes, I was too stunned... way too stunned. I couldn't move. I lay motionless in my twin size bed. I prayed my roommate wouldn't come back too soon so I had the chance to cry alone. The phone slipped from my grasp and fell to the floor nearly shattering. Everything around me felt like it was moving in slow motion. I didn't understand how he could do this to what we had when what we had seemed so real, so perfect. The memories of the past six months came flooding in like a tidal wave, and with that came the tears, not that ugly cry I had expected, but slow single silent tears of true pain and utter shock. Nothing felt real and that was the exact moment I lost all hope in love. Slowly I pulled myself out of bed and reached for the phone.
I'm sorry I hurt you again (not delivered)
He had blocked me already, it had only been seconds. I now had no one in this world absolutely no one. I had just lost my best friend and my favorite lover. I couldn't help but think "why me?" but began to realize maybe I was the problem, maybe I was just too fucked up to ever be loved by anyone. I felt like dying. I had been suicidal in the past but this moment I had lost everything I'd ever known, everything I'd thought to be true was a lie. I immersed myself in the sad tones of heavy rock music and reached for the sharpest object I could find. Fearing my roommate would return I shoved the blade up my sleeve and made my way to the bathroom. I chose the second stall of my dorms bathroom, closing the door I found myself leaning against it before even locking in. Pulling a headphone out to make sure no one else was in the bathroom with me I took the blade from my sleeve and began using the silver paintbrush to paint my arms and thighs red. I watched as the small red dots began to form and somehow those red lines took away everything I was feeling for the moment being. The slow burn of the blade being dragged against my skin made me feel something for once. It took away the pain of the moment. Dissociating, I didn't realize I had been been turning my body into a teen scream slasher film. My thighs, my thighs looked as if a lawnmower and a hatchet had been taken to them. My arms weren't much better. Snapping back into reality hit hard as I reached for the toilet paper to stop the bleeding. I sat there, bleeding, numb, motionless. Nothing seemed to stop the bleeding so I just covered it with my sleeves and pants and slowly made my way back to my room. Standing in front of the door for a few moments I reached over and grabbed my keys, I made my way to my bedside table to grab my vape and quickly put on some shoes and ran outside. The cold October air brushed my skin and stung because of the tears running down my cheeks. I turned my volume up and took a long drag from the vape pen in my hand. Looking up at the stars I released the smoke from my lungs and fell to my knees.
