things i'll never say

sunday morning

"Are you mad that I took her home?" he asked, looking me dead in the eye with an annoyed look his face like he couldn't figure out what he did wrong that made me want to scream, "Are you jealous that it wasn't you? Is that what it is?"

I'm not sure if I were to give in to my urge to scream right now if it would be out of anger, frustration or hurt. 

"I'm not mad at you," I said, my mind racing trying to collect my thoughts in the midst of my hangover induced headache, "I don't want to by another drunken hookup on your list, that's not what I want."

"So you don't want to sleep with me?" he asked, looking somewhere between confused and pissed off. 

"Believe me, I'd love to sleep with you," I said, his face changing, "I'd love for you to push me up against that wall over there right here and now and shove your tongue down my throat and have your hands on me. But I don't want to just be your drunk fuck buddy. I don't want to just be the girl you hit up when you're drunk and horny and want to fuck someone, the girl you hit on while shitfaced in a rotation with four others while you decide whose responding in the right way. I don't want to be the girl you snap at 2AM only when you're drunk and horny and looking for something easy and quick. I want to be the girl you wake up to on a Sunday morning and go get coffee with. The girl you call when get on the bus after an away game because you can't wait to tell me how well you played. The girl you call when you get on the bus after an away game because you played like shit and feel like shit and need to vent about it. I want to be the girl you go home to after practice to on a Monday night even though it's pushing midnight and you have class at nine the next morning. I want to be the girl you go on and on to your mom about, the one who sits and waits with her and the rest of your family after games, who she pesters you to take pictures with after games when you come out with sweaty hair and still wearing all your nasty smelling gear. I want to be the girl you take home from the party, believe me I do, but I so want to be the girl you bring  to the party. I want to be the one you call for a ride home at one in the morning when you're shitfaced on a Thirsty Thursday because you know I'm sober and you just want to fall asleep drunk next to me. I want you to want me, I do more than anything, but I want to be the only one that you want. I want you to want to rip every piece of clothing off of my body stone cold sober on a Tuesday afternoon as you would shitfaced drunk on a Saturday night. So you know what? I would've loved to go home with you last night, but I'll be fine because I want your Saturday nights just as much as I want your Sunday mornings."