It makes sense that when I was younger I was sad all the time. I wouldn't say I got stronger really but rather I got more medication. Better ways to think, but that doesn't mean I don't have my down times even if it is for a short period of time so I dont take up time of others. Something that many don't really understand, is how I think of life. Of my purpose. Today people often think of people who hurt them as bad people.
Which is understandable. To me they simply weren't meant for me. Whether its as a friend, family member, relationship of course, or even a job. Sometimes I dont even think this place is for me but that doesn't mean I'm not happy. This has been the happiest I've ever been actually. People have left my life and as have I for them, yet it makes me happy I got to see even a part of their story.
The chapter of their life where they were the sweetest before they changed because of pain. The other way around. Often maturing is crazy, and just learning how everyone's brains work is so wonderful. I love the dark way it works at time, its simply poetry and I wouldn't trade it but simply want to show them more to the art. The dark part of our minds can be like a splatter of pain on a once empty canvas. Not a lot of people get why its there or think its reckless and sloppy.
To me I want to add more and more of different colors. Ones that usually only show up with age. Growing wiser sooner perhaps? But simply I just want the to learn to smile through the pain, so much so that the pain is barely there so much so that it fades everything you get a chance just to hold someone's hand. Just to get a wave at or even see a group of friends laughing. Parents holding their kid as they cry.
Anything and everything becomes amazing. Sure there are horrible things that happen, when a country is attacked but the whole world comes together or even a group of people, but one thing that I do struggle with is why aren't you here. Why is the girl of my dreams not here? To me, it makes sense. Why would any woman choose to be with me?
Not simply because of all I offer, I have plenty to offer. The issue is I have goo much. Why would I want more you know? I'm getting married to an amazing person and I wouldn't trade him for the world. Yet I'm too greedy.
At the same time, just being like this has showed me how to fall in love again with others. It showed me how to fall for people who were like me, even though they didn't stay I'm glad I met them and fell. I know half of the time I wish I could message them but I also know they left for a reason. As I left others for a reason. I'm thankful but impatiently being patient?
I wish for a miracle in my dreams. A sign I will find you. A sign I'm on the right path. Perhaps I should get off the silly app and go out, but there isn't a bio in person. People can't walk by and know I'm not cheating because of how I come off. Its so weird to think about how far I've come.
He accepts me yes, but will you as well? Will I be wrapped up in both of your arms and finally be home? I hope to talk to you soon.
~Krin a bit older
