A true tale written by Kanye West
A young woman hides in the woods. It's not safe within the city limits, so she spends all her time in the forest. Until one day, she hears crashing through the trees. She crawls out of the shadows, revealing features so fine, she lookin' like an angel, and I'm talkin' Biblically accurate. She wore all white; dress, heels, everythin' man. She got long brown hair, and she got that coconut lotion on too. It's like she was sent straight from Heaven or somethin'. She snuck through the forest, making sure she wasn't able to be seen, but able to see herself. Kinda like a one way mirror. As she was walking, she got mud on her shoes. Damn, they were new too, but it was all worth it though. Her eyes landed on the baddest lookin' man like Neil Armstrong landed on the moon. Unfortunately, he got eyes sharper than a katana (it's a Japanese sword, I know this because I am an expert in Japanese culture. I watch anime), and his eyes beamed at her beauty. Through slow, heavy steps, he confronts her.
"Damn girl," he mutters, "You fine as hell."
She sits there, stunned. She has never met a man so attractive before. That man was none other than me, Kanye West.
In an awkward stutter, she finally lets out, "I- I'm... Err, my name is Kim. Kim Kardashian."
We fell in love, man. Like Romeo and Juliet. Every night, I would meet her in that same forest I crashed in while drunk driving. We even had angel-human hybrid babies. However, as I've stated, we was like Romeo and Juliet, except we was Kim and Kanye. Being with her was forbidden, and would betray our overlords. That's like, whack and stuff. You see, celebrities like me aren't allowed to have feelings, or engage in intimate relationships. Although, I've developed advanced chromosomes that allowed me to be an actual person. It didn't help that she was the angel of nature. If our overlords were to ever find her, she would be enslaved, and her energy would be stripped away to be used for an unlimited supply of 5G for Boost Mobile. If I were seen together with this woman, I would be executed, she would be Boost Mobile's slave, and our angel-human hybrid babies would be fed to the Big Cheese himself, the worst of them all, Dick Cheney.
"Baby," I said to her one evening in those solace woods, "We can't be together no longer. I don't want our angel-human hybrid babies to be eaten by Dick Cheney, and I don't want you to be the source of unlimited 5G. Damn, I hate 5G. I read on Facebook it gives you COVID and shizz."
With her hand on our shoulder, Kim K. whispers to me, "It's okay baby, I promise I won't let them take our love away from us."
We then made out for a good couple of hours. I even asked Kim if the kids were down, but she said that maybe it would've been best if it was just us two. Alright, she do she I guess.
She was wrong. How could she? How could this happen man? I'm so lost. I'm lost in the world. I was arrested by Dick Cheney himself. Next to him was the town hag, Taylor Swift. She was shorter than Bilbo Baggins, and looked like an old soccer ball with hair.
"I was watching them making out in the woods" she hissed. "Just the fact alone that my music video wasn't as good as Beyonce's made me want to snitch on him."
"Shut up Taylor," Dick Cheney snapped, "No one cares."
He proceeded to banish her to the Shadow Realm, alongside Jay Leno.
"Yay," he says in his boring gremlin voice, "I'm no longer alone. Am I funny yet?"
Dick Cheney gave me two choices. I was to be executed, or I could give up Kim, and walk out a free man. So anyways, I showed him where the woods were, and he single handedly consumed the angel-human hybrid babies in one bite. He evolved into a powerful advanced being. Alongside the CEOs of Boost Mobile, he stretched out his hideous, crusty fingers, and used his new wizard powers to extract Kim's powers. I knew I couldn't allow this to happen, so I simply just ate her powers, and turned into a god. I ate Dick Cheney in three bites. I couldn't eat him in one, the man was just too large. With my newfound powers, I began making Christian music to preach the word of the lord. I began to make a society where people are only allowed to follow Jesus, and those who opposed or believed in "science" were to be banished to the Shadow Realm, where they were to listen to Jay Leno make unfunny jokes until the end of time.
The End
