The Two Perks of Living

Feeling euphoric was something I was used to. Racing thoughts would fly around my brain making me impulsive. Everything around me was more vivid making my eyes pop out like they were going to detach from my head. My brain made me think I was an absolute god. Nonetheless, there was always the same phobia running through my head, I was scared of myself, of what I was capable of doing.

My psychiatrist told me I was experiencing a thing called ''hypomania'' a mental state milder than actual mania in which the patient feels euphoric etc. I just referred to it as, a perk of living, to me it was a perk, nobody in my circle ever experienced such a thing. Therefore, a constant reminder in my head was that I was completely alone. It was a perk in my way of living, trust me having periods of times in which you felt like that, making you high, was the best relief. I wish every day was like that but it wasn't.

With the hypomanic episodes always prior or after came depressing ones. It felt exhausting from feeling supreme to a fucking nothing. Numbness and regret were superior inside me. Feeling empty and trying to fill that hole up was one of the worst moments in the duration of the episode. Having no control, I let them make me a puppet of their own. No motivation was even worse. I wouldn't leave my bed for days, trying to recall memories that brought me joy. But, eventually every memory would become negative and my inner self would for one more time be crying for help.

If I were to choose between these two perks, I would with no doubt choose the hypomanic one. Being productive in a way, but crazy is better than feeling suicidal and empty.

And that's when my medication came in hand. Telling my psychiatrist I was constantly thinking of unaliving myself made him prescribe me mood stabilizing meds. They instantly worked. After having taken them for about a week I started realizing how boring and easy life was without my emotional roller coaster. My hypomania was gone as well as my depression was finally cured. I couldn't handle my new life anymore and that's when I stopped taking my medications. The moment I stopped my emotions kicked in, I was feeling empty and depressed but at the same time I was laughing and feeling extremely powerful. Later on, I found that this is what people in the psychology field refer to as a mixed episode, feeling hypomanic but being depressed at the same time.

Now, it's been about a month since I started taking them again, but they are not affecting my mood swings anymore. I am having constant episodes every day. They might be two perks in my life, nonetheless living without them can make me feel worse than I am on my own.