Diary of an Anxious Wreck

Saturday, January 1, 2022

I have no idea why I'm doing this. This feels so dumb, but I think part of me might need it. Let's just get the standard stuff out of the way.

My name is Virgil, I'm 19 going on 20 in a few weeks. I have never had a boyfriend, you at least need to go on a date with someone to qualify for that title.

My resolution for this year is to try to get out there more. Maybe that's the reason for writing this. I'm probably just lying to myself anyway. Resolutions are nothing but empty promises to yourself, after all.

This year has been pretty uneventful so far, so let's go back to last night, the final few hours of 2021. Me and my dad did lateral flows at around four, both came back negative. Later I spent about twenty minutes frantically searching the house for my mask in time for Dad's friend Ian to arrive at quarter to six.

He showed up at six. Late as ever.

We walked down to the local indian where Dad and Ian put in the order for the night while I just stood there, trying not to be noticed. I think I did a good job. We were told that the wait would be just under two hours and it was decided that Dad and I would stay home for an hour before heading up to Ian's so he wouldn't be too drunk to drive when the order was ready.

During that time I had a panic attack because I hadn't eaten from the indian in years and I'm very particular about how rice is cooked. I know how stupid it is to be anxious about it, but I don't know how to stop myself. Dad said he would bring some with him to his friends house.

He promptly forgot it.

When we arrived Ian informed me that he'd had a disagreement with one of his friends and she wouldn't be joining us as a result. I hid it pretty well, but on the inside I was freaking out, because she's one of the people who I feel most comfortable around.

I had some Guinness while we waited for the order to be ready (I'm in Britain so it's perfectly legal incase you were wondering) when another one of Dad's friends, Guy, arrived. He gave me a late Christmas present, a paint by numbers set because I'm always using the apps on my phone. Shortly after, Dad left to get the food and Ian showed me and Guy his new trans-acoustic guitar. I didn't get to ask for it's pronouns.

Dad arrived back and we all had some food. After this, we decided to take a silly picture to celebrate the end of the year. That alone took almost an hour because Guy kept on insisting we retake it, trying to get the perfect shot. At this point it was about quarter to ten.

Nothing much really happened in the next couple of hours, just mindless chatter and a couple more drinks. As midnight started getting closer and closer, Guy decided to record a video of the four of us singing Auld Lang Syne, which I'd had enough to drink to say yes to.

At this point I feel like I should clarify. I do have friends that are a similar age to me, they just live at least an hour away.

We knocked back some orange flavoured whiskey to welcome in the new year as the video and picture were both uploaded.

It was at this point that I received a message from my best friend slash man that I love, Roman. He said that he felt as if I was ignoring him whenever he brought up Autistic traits that he has but taking an interest in his boyfriend, Patton's special interests.

This was not at all my intention, I was trying to comfort him, a way of saying that it doesn't matter to me because he's my best friend.

Not my finest judgement.

I went back into the kitchen after about an hour and everyone shared some chocolate. I had a small glass of champagne as Guy brought out his guitar and started making a song up on the spot. He tried to get me to come up with the third verse, but I was too sober to do something like that.

One whiskey and much talking later, on everyone else's part that is, Dad and I finally left. We got home at around three and I immediately went to bed, making sure that my weighted blanket was on my bed properly. That was by far the best gift I got at Christmas.

I woke up at half ten this morning. Then stayed in bed for another hour and a half. I immediately grabbed my iPad and earphones and started watching She-Ra on Netflix.

Don't judge me. It's a good show. One of my comfort ones.

Eventually, at around half two, I made some tea, or rather Dad did because I was too anxious about trying to transfer the teabag to the bin, and I had that and some biscuits as my brunch. Shortly after, Dad and I went to get the car as the heavens opened and watched some TV when we got back. I went up after a couple of episodes, trying to recover my social battery.

A few hours later I came downstairs and Dad and I made some burrito bowls with a recipe I found on the internet. I was absolutely terrified the entire time, trying to figure out when to do everything so it was all finished at the same time, but it turned out surprisingly not awful.

I suppose anything seems like a win when compared to the French onion soup though.

I went back up after I was finished eating, listened to some music and did some colouring. That brings me up to the present, deciding to write all of this down.

Until tomorrow, Virgil out.