dear black girl, i love you

1

the letter is written
the candle is lit
i rolled a jay
i took a hit

something just to
calm my nerves
for the pain that i
was to soon endure

if i should die before i wake
i pray to lord my soul to take
death whispers in my ears so calm
as i scoop the pills up in my palm

i swallow them forcefully
soon my stomach jumps and flips
i lay silently on the floor
praying that this is quick

"i'm sorry mom" i whisper
as i try to clench my hand
but if you knew the pain i felt
then maybe you'd understand

i wish you would've held me more
and told me i deserved to live
i wish you didn't call me names
and kill my inner kid

i wish that you protected me
from pain, from men, from harm
i wish that you noticed
the scars on my arm 

my sprit is crushed
my will is no more
i lay in regret
on this cold, cold floor

tell my boyfriend i love him
and tell my dad the same
tell my bestie she's the best
and please try to stay sane

no longer do i want to be here
no longer do i wish to be alive
because the girl you all knew and loved
years ago, she died