Thoughts and Ideas

A Letter

To the dearest friends one could find themself in the company of,

When I was younger, I felt like everything was mapped out for me. Even when my world was turned on its head and times suddenly grew difficult, I held onto my belief that the future I imagined for myself, the one I planned on creating, was set in stone. I would finish school with excellent grades, I would keep understanding friends, I would go off to college and graduate with a major in something - at the time, I was undecided as to what I wanted to do with my life - and perhaps I would one day have a family of my own, or run a business, or travel and see all that the world had to offer. Back then, I felt as though anything was possible, no matter what obstacles came my way.

I was naive then, though. As I grew a little older and began to pay more attention to the true nature of my world, I noticed that it was far less bright and opportunistic than I had once thought. Money was tight. People were stressed. Violence was a given, and no one that I saw on TV were kind to one another. In a way, it shattered my perspective of things. Just years before, I had been running in the sun alongside those I cared about, doing things that might have seemed meaningless to others, but they were things that brought me joy. I had plans, and I meant to stick to them.

But you can't plan how your life goes. That's not how it works. Life is so unpredictable, and all you can really do is roll with the punches, as they say. At my age now, I understand this, but at the mere age of twelve, it was a difficult truth to comprehend. I didn't understand why my family was always so upset, why they fought so much, why they would stay up so late and keep the lights on long into the night. I didn't understand why we had to leave our old apartment, why we couldn't just find another one, and why we had to live in such terrible neighborhoods.

My worries at home seeped into my school life. Before then, I had always been an excellent student, or at least tried to be. With the exception of a B here and there, I was a straight A student, and was well-liked by my teachers and classmates alike. I did find middle school to be tougher than what I'd known, but I did my best to adapt to the new educational environment I was in and eventually began to thrive as usual. I like to think that this was made possible with the help of my friends at the time, but I also believe they were the cause of what led me to my eventual downfall. Middle school is difficult, anyone who's been in it can tell you that much. School is meant to be a place for you to learn and grow, but what it truly is is a breeding ground for drama and judgement. It's a place where friendships either last or break, and in most cases, it's the latter that happens. That's what happened with the people I once knew, the ones I called my friends. In school, you can easily consort with the wrong group of people, and in the blink of an eye, the person you once thought of as a sibling can suddenly seem like stranger. I worry that I didn't do enough, that I wasn't a good enough friend to make them want to stay, and I feel this worrying is what led me to leave regular school altogether - seeing their face became to much. In the end, however, there's nothing I can do anymore but think and dream of them, knowing I did my part to try and win them back, ultimately failing. So, life goes on.

The years that followed were generally lonely. I didn't go out too often, too focused on trying to repair my broken life, and therefore I didn't interact with many people my age. It wouldn't have mattered much if I had wanted to go out, anyway, for the lack of money to spend on frivolities was, well, lacking.  As much as I would have liked to continue doing fun things and spending time with others, and just generally act like a kid, the wasn't how my life was supposed to go. I was too busy playing catch-up with school work, trying to do things around the house and trying to please the family that now seemed like shadows of their former selves. Now, I did have a bit of free time each day, and so I would spend that time online, watching videos or killing time on social media. While I had been on various websites for a number of years at that point, it wasn't until I was fourteen that it really mattered to me, for that was when I met my next group of friends.

We met in a community created for all people to share their art, writing and original characters, and it felt like a dream come true. The people there were like me, and they were around my age, too. Although we never spoke face to face - we still have yet to do so, actually - I finally felt like things were going back to normal, even just a little bit. I was back to chatting and laughing with people who shared my interests and, when our friendships were strong enough, we felt comfortable enough to vent to each other and to make plans to do things together. It felt really good and homely.

But there's that planning again. It's something you shouldn't do with people that, overall, you're uncertain you might ever meet. It's true that I still speak with some of them to this day, but it is nothing like what it used to be. Even the one I consider to be my best friend (and even something more) is different. We've grown up, and life has once again gotten in the way. That's normal, I know, but it doesn't make it any less unpleasant. I still cling to some of those plans we made a few years ago.... but there's doubt now, doubt that's been growing in my mind for awhile now, and I don't think it's going to go away until something actually happens.

Finally.... there's you. Wonderful, wonderful you. You, whom I met nearly a year ago. As I've grown up the friends I've had have reflected who I am, and you reflect who I am now. I am broken, and I am lonely, but I am caring and chaotic and you mean a lot to me. I greatly enjoy your company, and I don't mean to leave it anytime soon.

I want that to be clear.

I will not leave you.

Not until you tell me to, that is. If you wake up one day and decide that you've had enough of me.... I will understand. It's not the first time it's happened. It's something about me, I know. Perhaps it's my clinginess that I've developed over the years, or maybe it's my strange ideas and daydreams that I share once I grow comfortable enough. Maybe it's my misanthropic attitude, which I know for a fact bores and concerns others.... Maybe I'll never know. 

For as long as you'll have me, however, I will be loyal and understanding, always ready to listen to you. I'll love you with all my heart, showering you with hugs and kind words. I'll prove to you with my actions that I can be a good friend, never turning my back on you when you need me most.

I fear the day we'll drift away, because I know that it's very likely that'll happen. I wish with all of my being that that won't happen, but realistically, I doubt I'll be able to hold onto you forever. For as long as you'll have me, though, I will set my fears aside, and I'll plan with you. Nearly an adult now, I'll see you one day, and I'll give you the biggest, greatest hug that anyone's ever given you. We'll drive places. We'll play laser tag, and you can watch me fail miserably. We'll live, and we'll do it together.

We'll make life wonderful again.

I know you'll likely never read this, because I don't know how many of you are on here, and even then hardly any of you know my name on this site, but it doesn't matter. These words needed to be said. This story needed to be told, and I'm glad I told it. I feel much better now.

With love,

E