Unspoken Words

Prologue
He was my rock. The one stable thing in my life. The one thing that kept me going. I loved him with all my heart until he said those two simple words that shattered my heart.

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We used to be best friends. I knew him better than anyone and he knew me better than anyone. He was always there for me, protected me, and cared for me. We understood each other perfectly, probably because everything about our day was shared. So of course, I began to grow feelings for him. As we grew up those feelings only intensified.

Once we hit 3rd grade everything changed. He distanced himself and made new friends. He ignored my existence and treated everyone poorly just to impress his friends. Yet, I still liked him. I stood up for him with everything I had. I made it known that he truly is kind on the inside. He ignored me, only talked kindly to me when his friends weren't around. But even then, it was just simple responses. He no longer told me about his day nor did I.

Then, middle school came. My mental health declined. But he was still there. My rock. He was one of the few last strings I had grounding me to this world. I so desperately wanted to escape it and end it all.

He didn't want to talk to me. I knew by the way he carefully avoided me in the halls and how he ignored my gaze. So, I wrote him letters. Letters that would never be sent. I express the things I can't in those letters. My anger, sandness, and joy. I even told him about my day. All unspoken words.

Even though he didn't talk to me my heart was still his. My friends joked around saying I worshipped the ground he walked on. But still, he didn't even cast a glance my way. Not once.

October of our 8th grade year I texted him. I needed someone to lean on. Someone to comfort me and be there for me. So I texted him. I told him what has been going on in my mind and how much I missed his friendship. Five minutes later, he responds with, "Thank you for telling me this. I'm glad you were able to get this off of your chest."

Then the chat went unused for another month. So I decided to ask him random questions. Like what's your favorite color, favorite animal, etc. Of course he responded every time mainly with single worded answers. When he responded at night I would say "Good night!" to him. He always would respond with a "gn!", "gnnn", or "Night!". Yes, it made me sad. I wanted him to say "Good night!" to me. Maybe even with a cute emoji. But he never did.

It went on like that for a few more months. Then November rolled around. My birthday came.

I celebrated with my little friend group. We went and watched a movie then went to go get food. Later that night when I was leaving the restaurant, my friend, Talia, texted me. Asking if he texted me yet. Of course, I said no. She was about to text him to tell him that it's my birthday, when a text message notification popped up. "Happy birthday!!!" It read. My heart pounded in my chest. Excitement pulsing through my veins. Somehow, he texted at 9:25. The moment I was born. The moment I officially turned 14. He knew. He remembered.

...

November 12, 2021
That was the moment I started to actually think he liked me. It gave me a little hope. For about a week after I was acting like a little girl that got the doll she desperately wanted.

...

After I told Talia about that incident she said he treats me differently. She said he texts me differently than he does with others. So of course that gave me even more hope.

She even told me to confess my feelings to him. I laughed in her face. I knew that because I've liked him for so long it would hurt like hell if he rejected me. A small part of me knew that he was gonna reject me. It was a long internal battle, one side fighting that he does like me, the other constantly repeating that he won't and that I'll only get hurt.

Then after his birthday rolled around things got weird. He stopped responding to my text messages. He only responded late at night with dry single worded answers. That's when the little devil came back and said that he doesn't like me. But the other side said that he probably just has other things to do. I believed the latter. Until it kept happening.

When December rolled around, my feelings for him grew stronger than ever before. But jealousy kept clawing at my heart. My friend, Hannah, found out that her long-time crush likes her back. So of course they officially start to date.

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December 1, 2021
Out of our little friend group I'm the biggest hopeless romantic. I've wanted to be in a relationship for so long now I began to wonder if wanting that's toxic for me.

Later that day I saw something that brought me back down from the clouds. It said, "The person you care for most will be the one to hurt you the most."

...

When I saw how cute they acted together I felt a wave of jealousy. Then she sent pictures of their text conversation. It killed me to see her so happy. For her sake I pretended to be happy and excited. But deep down I was jealous and angry.

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December 4, 2021
All my life I've only known one guy that actually liked me, and to be honest, I'm not the type of girl that all the guys want. I don't dress like everyone else. I choose comfort over style which means that I wear yoga pants, leggings, and a simple shirt. Nothing fancy or expensive. I'm also not the type to want to go out and have fun. I would rather curl up and read a nice romantic book by Colleen Hoover or Nicholas Sparks.

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December 5 at 9:07 was the moment when my heart broke.

I was texting Talia. I spoke to her about how I felt about Hannah and her boyfriend. I told her what I was going through and what constantly ran through my mind. She told me to tell him how I felt. So I did. I did it before I could chicken out again. I didn't know that I would be regretting sending that message for a long time.

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I clicked the send button with a shaky finger. A couple minutes later he responds. The words shattering my heart.

"Ight. gn" The two simple words broke my heart. Not because he rejected me, no. It was because he didn't care enough to let me down gently.

My friend felt so bad for pressuring me to tell him. But she was there for me, she comforted me and understood me. She told me I shouldn't get over it, I should overcome it. That was the best advice anyone has ever given me.

She was the only one that knew. I didn't tell anyone else. I didn't feel the need to relive that moment anymore then I already have. I didn't need to feel the sharp pain in my chest again. I didn't need the tears overflowing from my eyes or the sense of helplessness. I really didn't need to be stuck in my thoughts again. I just needed to overcome everything and that takes time.

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Epilogue
Even after I told him how I felt, I had so many things I wanted to tell him. I wanted to tell him that I've liked him since we were kids. I wanted to tell him that he kept me grounded to this world. I wanted to tell him so many things.

But it all turned into unspoken words.