regret

silence unending

“Understand I don’t like or love you anymore,” my mom said sternly yet her voice so soft and the thing I had used as comfort for years now being my symphony of destruction she said it without a second thought not saying sorry after or anything she meant it and knew she could not take it back. I stood feeling empty my intestines felt like they were no longer in my body I felt numb but also felt like a void I grabbed a hand full of the cotton my shirt was made up of along with my chest to make sure I was still real; my chest had a silent ache. I look at my mom her hair flowing over her shoulders in a wavy fashion her piercing blue eyes striking my soul I feel the bitter cold of winter seeping through the cracked window seal. I taste the agony across my tongue it flows with the saliva across my taste buds an inescapable feeling. I think to myself is this my fault it must be I mean it makes sense how could anyone ever love me with the person I am, I am difficult to be around I constantly have an attitude for no reason I am always grouchy I cannot pay attention I sit, and my existence causes other people pain because of the energy I bring, but for my own mother to say she doesn’t love me I must be a different type of unbearable.

“I’m sorry” my son spoke yet his voice faded halfway through looking at me with a glisten in his eye caused by the tears starting to fall out. Yet I sat with an emotionless look on my face his curly black hair looking as fluffy and soft as ever. Looking and feeling emotionless are two different things though the thoughts in my head were pounding beating and causing this explosive sense of guilt like i had an atom bomb of guilt dropped on my mind. What have I done how could I say that to my own child even worse I can’t say sorry because it wasn’t an accident or a mistake, I meant it all I don’t love or like him anymore, but I shouldn’t have said it no it’s a good thing he needs to know now so that he doesn’t get hurt when it comes later on but why did I have to say it maybe I would’ve never admitted it at all if I had just bit my tongue I don’t know any more I’m a terrible person.

I look at my mom as she stares back at me both of us not looking at each other but looking through our bodies if our bodies could match our eye’s ability id be able to walk through her as she would me, I think of attempting it why is that what I am thinking right now no wonder she does not love me, yet we continue to stare at each other not a single word to be found to break the ever-growing tension. I stare at my son wondering how I could fix this what do I do what do I do what do I do what the fuck do I do. I can’t think of a single thing to say to make the situation better, so I just walk past him brushing his shoulder with mine. My mom walks past brushing her shoulder on mine I swear you could see the world shattering and cracking like glass around me I was coming undone I did not know what to do or say I could not think of a single thing in that moment that could make either of us feel better, so I just stood. My head was draped staring at the newly polished hard wood floor I could see a muddied reflection of myself it was just a black shape that was wavy this is how I see myself. A blur not a unique individual I hate me I wish I could just pass away.

“I’ll be out in just a second,” I holler to my mom who needed to get into the bathroom because this is where all her products were we were going out to eat because no one had taken anything out, yet I had different plans. I stood over the sink the white shining brightly under the brand-new light there’s a slight buzzing noise filling my ears with a razor in my hand pressed against my wrist I do not want to live anymore. I knock on the bathroom door.

“Come on buddy were going to be late if you don’t hurry up, I made a reservation, and everything remember?” I slide my card through the door and slide the mechanism in and open the door.

“What ya doing?” I say to him.

“Oh, nothing just fixing my hair you know how I am all picky and such,” I say nervously to my mom and laugh she almost caught me why, why, why did she have to come in right now just a few more seconds and I’m gone I would’ve been away free from the stresses of this damned world.

“Okay I’ll leave you be for a few more minutes,” I utter to him.

“Thanks,” I murmur these will be our final words to each other huh never thought about that the last words she’d ever hear come out of my mouth were ‘thanks’. I press the razor to my wrist using the corner blade dig and rip it hurts so bad but in a few minutes the release will be sweet enough to make up for it a thousand times over.

“Kiddo I said a few more min-” I stop in my tracks looking at the blood leaving his body this is all my fault all because I couldn’t bite my tongue my child is dead, and I don’t deserve to live. I grab the razor press tear and rip the skin opening like a hot dog exploding open you could see the guilt leaving falling with the blood stream. I lay down on the floor next to him looking at his lifeless body the tears flowing from my eyes. I smile and caress his head as everything fades to black.