Dead Man's Wish

There was....this hideous rummaging around the apartment building. Luckily, pretty far.

As if something lost---needing of guidance---scrapes and bites sharply on a person's knees---on the side of my apartment building. The sounds odious yet bland; unwilling to give out. I pondered how I heard it so fully, with it likely a mile away. As my backpack smashed the messy floor, releasing a blaring thud. Reinforcing this noisy darkness. Then, a scrapping sound peeled through the walls. So my upper bones dropped and settled with my quivering spine. 

Could've been a foolish chipmunk; keep yourself together...

Sighing, I sat down on the bed; massaging my hairy scalp for the comfort of it. A distractor for all things physical and mental.

Outside, wind was howling with occasional vague persons in the sky, soaring. In those bizarre shapes, emitted this inhuman turmoil and became disturbing the longer they weeped in deep, deep pain---this is by far the most violent sound I've heard. Sounded like a collection of one-hundred year old violins stuck on the same pitched note. Maybe it was across the street, actually? That's not so far.

It worried me heavily; scared the shit out of me. But I knew I couldn't risk doing anything. Ignoring it, I assumed it was gonna be another unluckie's problem. This isn't the safest neighborhood after all, this is not the first time I've heard distressed calls scattered all over. Besides, I was extremely tired and worn out. So I pinned the ole' 'must be my imagination' on the dark figures that I would see---in bushes, in trees, in the sky to the moon.

It all immediately vanishes every time I look---how I knew I needed rest. The other was my current emotional instability, which was increasing, getting more unbearable.

How long I sat there, frozen, was unknown. Now it's creeping to midnight. Getting clocked back to my senses, I noticed sticky wetness consuming my feet. Confusion struck first. So gaping further, I saw the spilt glass.  

Can't I just sleep already? That's all I need...

Sleeping helps everything for me; it's like the perfect eight-hour break from major stressors in life. This moment now, it'll be one hell of a life savior. If I sink into that wrinkled blanket slowly and dip into a purifying dream. It'll help me forget what happened---my sexual assault a couple of weeks ago. 

I just want to momentarily forget and it'll get him out of my head for a couple of hours. It'll be enough.

Yet, of course...

Had to postpone; which gives me all the time in the world to think, recall, and dissect----the event.

Like...there must've been signs at least? Am I just the hopeless idiot that didn't care? Would rush regardless, giving my everything to a false fairytale? 

The guilt carved inside me. It seems as though I've brought this onto myself....

Why the fuck did I even? I've never cared about romance or marriage, don't recall a time I did. It was always...more complicated than that. 

It's been two weeks since and the dumb fuck has sent over thousands' apologizes, thinking that we were fixable. But I knew they were excuses---I would've fell for that a long time ago. A time ago where my brother advised me, "Don't be afraid to find and love someone; they often shine at the most unexpected times!" 

I wish I could say that he's right, but...I don't remember at all when I was happy in that relationship....

Maybe it's me; that there's something wrong with me? He's the only one in the family that found true love, after all.